“I have no sense of self. I have no personality, no brilliant color. I have nothing to offer. That’s always been my problem. I feel like an empty vessel. I have a shape, I guess, as a container, but there’s nothing inside.”
“Let’s say you are an empty vessel. So what? What’s wrong with that?” Eri said. “You’re still a wonderful, attractive vessel. And really, does anybody know who they are? So why not be a completely beautiful vessel? The kind people feel good about, the kind people want to entrust with precious belongings.”
— Haruki Murakami – Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage

If This Means Anything At All

I’m home. And I’d like to give a run-down of my days so far! [Bad memory and all… got keep track somehow!] There is nothing introspective or depressing about this entry, swear. Hahaha.

Tuesday, Anna, Gloria and I drove down from Santa Barbara to Downey. We left at 4pm… and got home at 8. A typical two hour drive turned into four with all the traffic! It seriously took an entire hour to get out of Santa Barbara. We’d get excited if we went at 20 mph. It was awful. And what’s worse is that I didn’t have any headphones for my iPod and Santa Barbara stations are the worst eeeever.

That led me to want to start my own radio station. Okay so ideas of grandeur right? Well, not so much. I tweeted about it and people threw a ton of suggestions my way from podcast to streaming internet radio to… joining KCSB! That’s UCSB’s own radio station, and after a quarter of training you get your own show! The thought makes me all giggley and excited! I’m not sure if I’d do it any time soon… probably I’d go look to see if they’d train me Spring quarter and then possibly start in the summer. ^_^ Ahhh! Okay to be realllly honest, even though my voice totally sounds like a little kid’s I’ve always wanted to be on the radio… *dies* Hehehe.

So soon as I got home, my Mom told me my little brother had been waiting for me for a few hours… ♥ He and I went into the pool together and just swam and chilled for an hour. While I was having fun I absolutely had to watch Fringe, which was freaking brilliant!! Anna and I were texting each other about it ahahaha.

Wednesday I woke up at 7:30am automatically. ): No idea why, but anyway got ready for my day and lalala. Then Vy called and we decided to go to the movies at 10am! Haha. It was way early, and I don’t think I’ve ever been to the movies at that time before. I dragged my little brother out so he could get out of the house~ and we all had fun! We watched Four Christmases! It was soo soo cute and funny. Reese Witherspoon is completely adorable! Hm, but I’m not so sure about Vince Vaughn. They gotta stop greenlighting romantic comedies with him, tbh. He ain’t good lookin’ that’s for freaking sure. But I guess he plays the role well (oh ya ‘cus he acts the freaking same!)

Then hahah… goodness I always want pho 24/7 and none of us had eaten yet so we went to go get pho! Elizabeth, my darling precious, joined us, too!! It was the first time my little brother tried pho and he liked it!! I’m really glad for that, hah. It means he and I can go some other time, too… Hahaha. Geezus why is pho so addicting? >>;

Afterward we went back to the new house and I gave them the grand tour. Then… we pretty much hung out watching TV for a while, chatting, etc. Some time around 6:30 we decided to get into the pool and then the jacuzzi. We did that for a few hours, and had tons o’ fun. Around 10pm David joined us and we chatted with him for a while. Vy hadn’t seen David for like 2 years…! Yeah, it’s sort of hard to get a hold of David because he’s always off “saving the world” doing something or other OR stalking the Jonas Brothers with Chita and Piale. No joke on that. He knows where they live ahahaha… creepy! xD

Thursday! Thanksgiving!! This time I awoke at 7am. *groans* I’m going to bed at around midnight-ish and still waking up at 7. It’s pretty ridiculous, but I suppose I’m making the most of my day. ^_^ I won’t bore myself or anyone else with the whole “this is what I am thankful for” stuffz. I know what I’m thankful for and that is more than enough.

After showering and whatnot I finally got a chance to play Fallout 3! My brother finished the main quest so damn fast -_-; And since I don’t have much time nor motivation to play video games anymore I figured I might as well wait to come home to play it than buying my own. It’s fun fun fun! Sort of. Some parts of the game are sort of boring and eh… I got a stupid bug like 30 minutes into the game. That was lame. So I had to keep reloading it (I refused to start over and make a new character). That was frustrating and killed my vigor for a while. And the whole time I couldn’t help but to think, “Wow this is exactly like Oblivion.” Just starting off you’re in a sort of ‘prison’ and exit from the underground tunnel exactly like Oblivion. *sigh* Couldn’t they get any more creative? And the quests are pretty much really similar just with different words and graphics, but saaame concept. Even from Morrowind to Oblivion I didn’t feel like I was playing the same game. >_< Mm, but it’s pretty fun. Though, my characters in most games are always mages! (Lol, reminds me of Ryan’s text message… ‘that’s just what you do’) Yeah… and there’s no magic in the game. *dies* I’m really into uh… aiming from a distance so I dun die. But … since I don’t like to use that starting bat too much on people (it’s reserved for animals since they die faster that way)… I run out of ammo. ): That’s no fun. In Oblivion I’m always a Breton under the sign of the Mage so my MP always just refills automatically. I’m not used to having to *find* weapons or running out of what Fallout 3 calls Action Points.

Anyway, afterward I got some really nice text messages from peeps and figured I should probably text people, too! So I sent a nice text message to some select friends and it was nice getting the replies back! (: For some ~strange~ reason I thought to text Eric H. xD The last time we talked we were arguing on Facebook (hahahaha) but I always just get over shit. *shrugs*

Then family arrived!! (: We had dinner at like 6pm and everything was delicious!!! The coditos George made were my faaaavorite! And surprisingly, in second, was the ham El made. o_o I don’t like ham and I even *hate* bacon. So woahhh~ Surprise there. To be honest I didn’t have any turkey… hahaha. I’m not too big on meat. xD That’s another reason I was surprised I really enjoyed the ham, but it was so flavorful! And the bread rolls… *oh my godz* Haha, I cannot wait to wake up tomorrow and have leftovers. (:

So for a few hours I was away from my phone pretty much because I was around the house reading Snow Country or hanging with my little brother. But eventually I came back to my cell and found that Eric had texted me, much to my surprise. So I texted him back, whatever… and then hahaha he called me. I didn’t really want to answer the phone >> but that was awkward because I’d *just* texted him so clearly I was by my cell. Tbh, I’m not always big on talking on the phone. It requires a lot of energy and often (but not always) you have to sound really cheerful and enthusiastic. But I’m digressing. We chatted for a while and then he suggested we hang out. I almost died. Since I was in a good mood I agreed, and didn’t even hesitate. Only after was I panicking and going zomgz whyy? xD (He usually gets on my last nerve)

So he came over, and I introduced him to the family. That was awkward~ especially since my ex-boyfriend’s name is also Eric. *cringes* It was just weird. I half-heartedly gave him a tour of the house because of the awkward-ness. He brought me a gift, too. xD Hahaha. Anyway.

We chatted for a while (he does most of the talking actually… and he kind of never stops talking unless you stop him). It came up that neither of us had seen Quantum of Solace and so he asked if I wanted to go. By this time, dinner was over and I was totally down. (: So we went and uh… well, to be honest the movie was just OK. It didn’t astound me, that’s for sure, but it wasn’t boring either.

Then we got back to the house and since I had no idea what to do or even talk about I suggested we play video games. Haha. Despite the fact that there are FIVE PS3s in the house I barged into my little brother’s room (lulz) and asked if we could chill with him. So I had the little dog Perlita in my lap, asleep, and the two of them played CoD: WoW while I just watched.

After an hour of that he finally left. *sigh* I don’t know… I felt awkward because I’m pretty sure my family thought it was a date. WAS NOT! >_< He and I were really close when I was in 11th grade. Now we’re just friends… except he annoys me more often than not, but he’s still a friend.

After he left I joined mother and Aunt El in the jacuzzi. Ugh, they made some jokes about me going out and stuff… *dies* It was so freaking awkward. But!!!!!!

A few good things came from the jacuzzi hang. I found out that for my 21st birthday El and I are going to travel… for 10-ish days to anywhere in the world, any location of my choosing! ^_^ Sweet deal or sweet deal? I KNOW RIGHT!!!!!! They totally figured I’d want to go to Japan, but for some reason I’m sort of over it.

I have always loved European architecture and not gonna lie the first place that came to mind was Italy. And so El said she wouldn’t mind going to Italy and France (even though she’s been to the latter, she’s okay going again hahaha). *feels so freaking excited* Okay, it’s totally more than a year away, but I can start thinking up the itinerary. This is *huge*! She’d totally have to take off days from work…! (She just said she can’t go during May, June, or July because that’s cherry season – but most likely I’ll want to go during March or April nearer to my actual birthday).

Also, Mom suddenly doesn’t feel up to going shopping tomorrow because of the crazy rush but she’s still going to give me $500 if I want to buy anything. Gahh… there are a whole bunch of LITTLE things that I NEED but then she suggested something like if I wanted a bigger TV… and now I don’t know!!! Gah. I mean, I don’t *need* one that’s for sure… but it’d be nice to have!! xD I sort of just want a 32″ for my apartment. Gah… what do I want?

  • Victoria’s Secret shopping~ (Totally totally want~)
  • Winter jackets!!!! Cute warm ones~
  • DVDs
  • iPod classic (but I may get this for Christmas)
  • Graphics card for my PC (always torn… I don’t *really* play video games on my PC besides The Sims 2 but it’s nice to have the option for more graphics intensive demanding games)
  • Clothes
  • Socks (yes, forreal I want socks… xD)
  • Diamond earrings
  • PS3 (I would be able to buy Blu-ray DVDs finally and gah… play videogames)
  • Booooks

Hahah… argh… I’m tempted to spend a lot of money on a lot of little things… but then… I mean I can get all those little things for Christmas (Considering my alloted money I’m considering a new iPod as a little thing, yes). I am so so so torn!

And gahhhh… stupid me, I looked at Costco.com and then I saw pictures of diamond earrings… *sigh* I really do love diamonds… That was a bad idea. Imagine “throwing away” all my money on jewelry? XD Haha… that’d be a little reckless not gonna lie. And lmao… I might as well steal a PS3 from this house. :p Like they’d notice one missing. Hahaha. Jkkk~

The HONEST truth? I don’t actually want anything. If you ask me to make a list of things I need I can come up with a million small things, but… give me $500 and … I don’t know… I don’t really feel like spending it on something special because I’m okay without even more material stuff. WTF is wrong with meee? I’m typically a shopaholic! >< But basically, I’m okay without buying all the things I need and/or want. Sort of like, my life will go on regardless of the money or the items I can buy with it. Example: I realllly want a new iPod with enough room to put all my music on, but at the same time … I’m okay if I don’t get it, you know? And that just makes me sort of lose my excitement for shopping.

My goal for tomorrow: Finish the last 20 pages of Snow Country and start the second Twilight book. Hahaha >>; Just when I redeemed myself saying I’m not materialistic (at the moment, anyway) I bust out with a, “I’m liek totez a Twilight fan!” Hahaha.

AH! 2am?! NIGHT~

Recurring Theme

Heeeey! So yannoe… it’s pretty “in” this time of year to feel shitty. Let’s be real – that doesn’t make me feel any better. But at least we can all commiserate with one another! Most everyone I’m asking feels kinda down, not gonna lie.

Though yesterday wasn’t so bad. Breathe. All it takes is a little avoidance. Not necessarily the best coping method but whatever works right? Plus I watched Fringe and 90210! And today I caught up on yesterday and last week’s eps of Privileged. Nothing like a *little* bit of mindless TV to help out the soul right?

My absolutely wonderful Teekwidca has been helping me get through these days of depression, too. We have this great friendship chemistry. This December we’ll have been friends for 4 years (and we’re still close)! Admittedly there was a small bump in the road where I did the usual bullshit “let’s NOT be friends” but we get past things pretty easily. Thank goodness! I need someone, that, when pushed away, will push back. -_-; I think that’s what I really secretly want. *shrugs*

It also helped talking about some o’ my problems with both Elizabeth and Teekwidca. Talking actually helps… who would have thought!

Book I’m reading now: Snow Country by Yasunari Kawabata! I really loved Beauty and Sadness by him when I read it in 10th grade. (: I’m determined to accomplish my goal of reading 12 books this year. Thus far I’ve only read 8, and now I’m on my 9th (I’m not counting Metamorphosis as a novel I read since that’s a short story, even though it’s in my Now Reading library).

*a few hours later*

Well… this entry was started at about 1pm. It’s 6pm now. Attended classes. Went to Starbucks to read. Then to Borders to read. I needed some alone time somewhere beside my apartment (which gets me moar depressed btw) just to clear my head. Unfortunately, it led to more thinking and some pretty emo introspective thought. Total FAIL. -_-; Ahhh *shrugs* I seriously feel like going out for a run or something.

Geez, I’m definitely very Bri Bear… I hibernate during this time of year. Sleep to let the bad times pass. Sleeeeep is the only answer. *sigh* I haven’t even been able to eat much lately either. Lyfe sux. Kbai. I go die nao. ^_^;


So last night after watching Role Models with ze Rony dearest (and watching the Twilight preview) I knew instantly I was going to give in and read that blasted Twilight series. Out of some slight fear of disliking the books (very slight), I only bought the first two of four. And so, sitting at Borders, I began my descent into the world of the Twilight series. Immediately I was taken in and completely absorbed.

Rony wasn’t having much luck finding a book to her liking so we were only there a little bit under and hour and we headed back home, but not without the book on my mind already. We go home, attempted to watch a A.I. but since I’d watched it a million and one times I couldn’t bare to go through it again. So instead I rushed off to the bedroom and kept reading. And reading. And reading. Until finally it was 5am and my contacts were starting to annoy me. Regardless I woke up after a few hours and finished it. (: I am done with book 1!

As I was reading… I could feel my heart stuck in my throat, and I could only barely breathe. There was such an overwhelming sense of attraction to Edward Cullen I didn’t know what to do with myself (uh… that sounds wrong, a lil’ bit ey?) So badly I yearned to wake up Rona and squeal like a little romanced child. His bodily and facial perfection were enough to drive me mad. Edward’s ever-changing temperament was enough to satiate my need for perpetual excitement, a really delightful feeling. From him, no reaction was ever expected and I loved how he progressed through anger, confusion, humor, and happiness so very quickly. The words for my adoration for him came much more easily at the first signs of morning and now I’m more speechless than anything.

In a small way, Edward made me feel as though I could feel again. And for a short while (the few hours it took me to read and finish the book) I wanted to love someone so passionately as Bella loved Edward. I even believed I was capable of it! Maybe I will be some day… And admittedly at one point I had to stop reading, just stop because I could hardly take it! There was only one person on my mind with whom I wanted to share my emotions.

Oh Edward, Edward, how can you be doing this to me?

*is so stoked for the first movie*

Editz: Lolol…. 🙁

[06:55] xportrait bruise: i miss edward
[06:55] survivorulez23: omggg
[06:55] survivorulez23: lol
[06:55] xportrait bruise: i’m not kidding
[06:55] xportrait bruise: didya read my blog?
[06:55] xportrait bruise: he sparked in me some longing to LOVE someone
[06:55] xportrait bruise: *sigh*
[06:55] xportrait bruise: and now i feel hopelessly empty inside
[06:56] survivorulez23: aww thats emo!
[06:56] survivorulez23: 🙁
[06:56] xportrait bruise: I KNOW
[06:56] survivorulez23: well edward loves you
[06:56] xportrait bruise: that’s why i miss him
[06:56] xportrait bruise: uhm
[06:56] xportrait bruise: he loves BELLE
[06:56] survivorulez23: you miss him??
[06:56] xportrait bruise: fucking bastard
[06:56] survivorulez23: read the second book
[06:56] survivorulez23: lol
[06:56] xportrait bruise: miss him in the sense that i need to read more of what happens
[06:56] survivorulez23: i heard he slices her throat open and calls her a bitch!
[06:56] xportrait bruise: but…. if i finish the second i don’t have the third or fourth yet
[06:57] survivorulez23: thats true
[06:57] xportrait bruise: FIND ME SOMEONE THAT LOVES ME
[06:57] xportrait bruise: ):
[06:57] survivorulez23: harry potter?
[06:57] survivorulez23: idk!
[06:57] xportrait bruise: EW
[06:57] xportrait bruise: he’s a damn dirty guy
[06:57] xportrait bruise: fuck that
[06:57] xportrait bruise: fuck that shit
[06:57] xportrait bruise: oh hell no
[06:58] survivorulez23: but he wants you 😉
[06:58] xportrait bruise: he sexes horses. haven’t you heard?
[06:58] survivorulez23: lol well…
[06:58] survivorulez23: jk jk
[06:58] xportrait bruise: *laughing so hard irl right nao*
[06:58] xportrait bruise: i know you can hear me!!