But That’s Not All.

I know I have my 101 goals in 1001 days, but occassionally I need to make goals impulsively. Maybe I just like to challenge myself, do something new all the time, or just maybe I’m a fickle and capricious person. No matter the reason goals keep me alive.

And I just remembered I can’t possibly kill myself (okay wow random I know! I’m not depressed at all atm, btw)… because I have a long-standing promise with both Elizabeth and Matthew. Not only do I have to be alive to wait for a particular phone call … and to make a call… (Uhm, my brain is tired… sorry if this makes NO SENSE.)

  1. From July 2nd to August 2nd I’m going to eat vegetarian. No particular reason whatsoever. And I don’t care about animals/animal cruelty.
  2. Starting next week I’m going to the gym three times a week with Gloria, Mayra, and Rona. And when they come back also with Sandy, David, and Hailey. The latter three are damn dedicated. (:
  3. I need to read at least five books this summer to catch up with my whole “Read 12 books this year” goals… Books planned:
    • Need to finish Mount Misery asap. Argh, it’s just so long!
    • The Divine Comedy of Dante Alighieri: Volume 1: Inferno
    • The Divine Comedy of Dante Alighieri: Volume 2: Purgatorio
    • August Read on Online Literature Forum Book Club
    • September Read on Online Lit. Forum Book Club

And that is all. For now. #1 is a lil’ intense but I did it before so it’s not a big deal. Right now I’m gonna go get the keys to my apartment!! (:

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So Insecure

To begin my entry I’m going to mention that I have completed another goal from my 101 in 1001. Ryan took it upon himself to read my goals and upon returning from away on AIM he told me that he wants to make a list as well. I’m glad to have inspired him to make his life just that much better. I’m also glad to have him back in my life, so to speak. He’s finished with school and he’s finally online! Honestly, it felt like we hadn’t spoken for half a year. Ryan makes me happy. ♥

Yesterday I started reading Kay Redfield Jamison’s memoir An Unquiet Mind. I’m more than halfway done already, and I have mixed feelings about the “quality” of the book. The beginning feels much too rushed. It’s like she’s quickly summarizing bits and pieces of her childhood through her college years. I was particularly interested in her life while attending UCLA, yet she mentioned but fragments of those years. Jamison introduces struggles such as failing many classes, not being able to attend lectures due to depression and in the next paragraph she’s married and planning to attend grad school. I fail to see how she got through it… and it honestly sounds more like she started during her adolescence so she feels obligated to continue in a linear timeline (but often fails).

Perhaps it’s because I’m in college right now that I add weight to the importance of that time period, and I’m just a lot more curious. I definitely wanted more from the beginning of the memoir. Mm, but at times she gives too much… ironically enough… but not about the things I want to read. She’s much too descriptive! If it were a regular novel, suuuure I’d care what color their robes were, but for a memoir I couldn’t care less. If Jamison suffers from bipolar disorder, I figure she’d discuss more of her emotional states, but when she does, they’re completely separate from the “story” and it’s italicized. Should not the emotions be part of the story and not added in here and there?

There’s also the problem with the fact that she’s written this much too long after having experienced it. A lot of it sounds so distant, like she can’t really relate to the pain she felt way back when. Some of this does take place in the 70s mind you, so it’s pointless to blame the memory of an aging adult. Honestly though, some bits seem too forced, like she’s trying to emulate that emotion from long ago, which really doesn’t make me empathize with her at all.

Eh, but I still like the memoir. Especially towards the middle, it gets much more interesting and the memories are a lot more poignant. Everything is suddenly much more exciting and I can feel the enthusiasm Jamison must have felt writing it; the prose just gets better. And my favorite part is that often I find myself nodding and agreeing all while dying inside that yes, I feel that way, too.

Hopefully I will be able to finish this tonight depending on the amount of time I have and level of energy after spending some time with my bestie Rona.

Some days I wonder if my life will ever be worth writing about.

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Set The Tone, Set The Vision, Set The Goals

That’s part of something Hillary Clinton said at the debate in Las Vegas tonight. I’m so interested in politics lately. I guess that it’s natural considering the primaries are happening right now, and in a few months we will get to vote for our next president. I’m really glad that I get to vote so quickly after being able to (due to age). It’s all too exciting.

Hm, tomorrow night I’m going to a UC Regents meeting at UCLA. We’re all leaving at 8:00PM from UCSB and most of the people are going to stay in a hotel that they’ve gotten, but David and I are just going to go home for the night and then go back to UCLA in the morning at 8am. Exciting!

The University of California is governed by The Regents, a 26-member board, as established under Article IX, Section 9 of the California Constitution. The board appoints the President of the University and the principal officers of The Regents: the General Counsel, the Treasurer, and the Secretary.

Jeffrey Eugenides lectured at UCSB tonight, and I attended. After his very amusing lecture (he’s a funny guy!) people asked questions. When that was all done there was a book signing, and I got a copy of Middlesex signed with my name & all. Ballin’! (:

Wellllll… I have homework to attend to now! And I feel like watching some movie or other at the moment, if I have time.

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Deep in my Heart I’m Concealing

“Deep in my heart I’m concealing things that I’m longing to say. Scared to confess what I’m feeling, frightened you’ll slip away, you must love me.”


Normal-style entry time! The Sister Carrie essay is due today anytime before 3.00pm. I finished it yesterday. It wasn’t very difficult, but I’m not too confident that I correctly hit the topic. I hated the question because it had absolutely nothing to do with the book. There were so many things I wished to discuss, and the question asks about the setting! Anyway, Paula called me yesterday and finally I got to discuss the book~!!

I can’t decide whether I really hated the book or really liked it. It was just one of those books. Haha . . . the novel was so iono. The beginning set up the story rather well; so well, in fact that it was boring. Some time in the middle it was just a verbosely-written romance novel. Then it got interesting. I hated just about all the characters except for Drouet and the very minor character, Ames. Just about everyone ended up completely miserable. I hated Carrie, I hated Hurstwood, and I hated … yeah everyone except the two characters I mentioned. Geez, the irony, too; that Ames guy kinda had it; Carrie was so impressionable that she took in every one of his words and then did the opposite. The author was so philosophical at times! Maybe a bit too much because sometimes they felt like space-fillers or ramblings. I also didn’t agree with everything the guy was saying, but it made sense. It sounds like I hate the novel. It was really well-written, but it’s just that the characters were so ugh!

Buh-bye, the french fry. Er . . . haha.

If you’re listening …

“I’ve got an hour to find. So tell me, what do I need? What is the meaning?”

I feel so utterly hopelessly confused. Looking back, I don’t know whether to regret the year or be grateful for the experiences it brought me. It all always falls apart in the end does it not? I thought it’d hurt more, but that’s probably only because I’ve felt more hurt than this before. Pain knows no boundaries. I feel as though I should laugh at myself because I swallowed all of my words. Everything I ever told her, I should have listened and told myself because it was the same situation. Did I figure that in the end I’d turn out better than she did? Of course not, and yesterday completely proved it to me as much as a slap in the face would’ve. Everyone cheered me on and led me to believe that it was alright. But deep inside I knew the truth. The feeling was less; the idea of it felt better than it truly did. I fooled myself good.

There is another world altogether underneath my exterior. I live a private world of pain and sadness. I try not to let it affect me, but it shows. Oh, how it shows. In every smile I give, I can feel myself crumbling; I’m falling—I’m falling. I want to close my eyes, and pull the covers over my face for good measure, and cry myself to sleep—all without anyone knowing. I want to stay all alone; no, wait, I am all alone. And yet I’m still not content. I want someone to understand but am so afraid of meeting someone that does. Why, if they understand they’re no better off than I am! The irony of it all. So tell me, what do I need?

It makes no sense. I make no sense. The world spins and I watch it waiting for my turn to jump back in. I’m never going to find it am I? I’m too fucked up for any good to come this way. Oh, just leave me alone. I’ll be alright without anyone. It’s just as she said it’d be. And I’ll be just as she imagined. Already I’ve spoken of four people, five including myself, and no names have escaped my lips. What kind of a world is this? Nameless faces. Whatsername.

It’s all over. I feel as though I missed something. Did I? What is the meaning? I was unimportant wasn’t I? I was never given a second thought to. “Why does it always have to be about you?” he asked me one time. Well, isn’t it always my fault?! I provide for needless complications. In my heart of hearts I know it to be true. I find solace in expressing my worries and troubles. I believe I only did it with you anyhow. Everyone else yearns to express themselves equally, if not more so than I, but not you. When she met her, she got a taste of what I go through everyday; she even got dizzy. People talk on and on about themselves. What right have I to talk about myself when they’re so wrapped up in their tales? But with you it was different; maybe I only made it so because you never cared, but I made myself believe that it was different. I fooled myself completely. Don’t you dare tell me I get depressed when I go on about how you don’t care — you don’t!

Thinking is bad. Feeling is even worse. Emotions are for the weak. I’m awfully weak, and I hate myself. Don’t you hate me, too?

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