Nov
02

What brings you closer to complete?

I finished my stats hw at 7pm after which I promptly got out all my Japanese hw to start… way early, I know! Typically this stuff doesn’t get done until near bedtime or even in the morning (since class isn’t until 11am). But 30 minutes past the hour I looked down at my hw and I realized I hadn’t even started it. There’s too much on my mind.

Maybe the reason why I have such a bad memory is because I don’t like memories. They make me sad.

Wow, okay so i was just wringing my hands together from slight anxiety at the thought of typing this next bit:

I don’t want to say I’m depressed because 1) it may not be true [yet] 2) it’s admitting a problem 3) it’s a weakness. Whenever I think of professing some really serious emotion on my blog I instantly think of a scenario (that actually did happen once) where I’m happy for a long period of time and then the next day I’m miserable. And someone (anyone) reads my blog, but only the entry in which I profess depression and then they see me as weak, vulnerable, a sad pathetic person, etc. It’s like… you missed out on all the good days! Why come on the day that I portray myself as depressed? This actually happened and it was pretty embarrassing for me. Life has been great… it really has, so I don’t want to go around chanting depression.

Except yeah… well I don’t know. I’m breaking down a little bit. Things are starting to get to me. I anger easily. Everything is depressing, no matter which way I spin it. Memories are hurting me. UGH. This is so not pleasant.

Honestly, I’m *trying* to focus on homework but thoughts are coming in waaay too fast and too many. The return to normalcy is so tempting, if only it were that easy! I want to be able to do a simple task and FOCUS without all these depressing thoughts.

And I’m thinking long-term again. Always a bad thing. Always. My future looks bleak, that’s for sure. But if I don’t think about it I can live day by day and it’s okay.

Everyone else is everything that I’m not.

Internal conflict. I’m fighting two different thoughts in my head. Should I go home for Thanksgiving? Should I not? Reasons for both. UGH. Mother kept asking me why I was at the new house (she’s not making me feel welcome, and something like, “When you first went to college you weren’t living with me so why do you want to come here now?”), but then if I don’t go for a holiday of course I will be the rude one and then everyone will be mad at me. Why am I thinking this far ahead in advance? It’s 20 some such days away.

Sheesh, it’s almost like I give myself things to stress about.

Empty fields move me so much more than rooms filled up with friends.

Ugh, don’t get me started on friends… or the lack of, lately.

Heart-strutter needs a new layout. There isn’t enough time in the day. Asdf!! Let me find some inspiration and then I’ll get back to this new layout business. *sigh*

Morbid diathesis.

For you, my heart, ripped from my chest. Eviscerated, I am. And if I could, I would plunge my fingers through my chest and rip out my heart and give it to you. A pulpy mass of morbid diathesis. In addition to my heart, there are some small organs that I want to give you: glands… sweetbreads… a variety of meats. I’m offering these gifts. Rare gifts. I know that they don’t amount to much in the face of what you’ve given me. I’ve heard these organs can’t survive outside the body for more than a few hours. But I’ll try to get there as soon as I can. Whatever happens, it will be on me. On my heart.

Oct
30

Let’s Have a Heart to Heart

With the coming of the colder season my happiness evanesces into the air. Already I can feel the slow trickling of depression creeping into my being. The feeling is not pleasant.

What’s my rule? Don’t break routine.

Breaking routine leads to a multitude of negative repercussions. It all started when I took that first sip of coca-cola. Okay, wait a minute. That’s a little melodramatic. So first I went home and then I got comfortable and didn’t want to come back to school so I stayed two days longer than I should have. This literally shattered my life as I knew it (or it will for a while anyway). Suddenly there was an option I hadn’t considered this quarter yet: I can miss class, and it’s no big deal. Wrong. This week I’ve only attended select classes (and if I felt like going even). Then I decided three months and 21 days of no soda was a long time so I went ahead and had some. Another break in structure, however minuscule it may seem. Small changes like this allows within me lesser expectations. If there are lesser intrinsic expectations my motivation will falter, and my motivation is always somewhat lacking.

Routine is not to say that I don’t do spontaneous things; I do. It’s more my way of keeping myself on track. There are certain responsibilities I need to adhere to and if for one day I don’t, I’m allowing a leniency my “self” can’t handle.

So what are my responsibilities?

  • Attend class. (I’m attending Japanese, jogging, and Phil of Mind. Stats and Health Psych, as predicted, I’m not in the mood for)
  • Study. (Only doing for Phil of Mind, religiously)
  • Complete homework. (Japanese CHECK. Phil of Mind CHECK. Stats CHECK. Health Psych (hw = reading) NOT DOING.)

So I’m only partially slacking off but it’s enough to make me feel off-balance, like I’m not doing it right, whatever IT may be. And looking at it I’m not even juggling an astounding list of responsibilities either. What’s the deal?

A recent development: I’ve come to terms, and even now enjoy, spending time in the comforts of only myself. There’s something calming about not having to talk, no pressures in keeping up a conversation, the freedom to come and go as I please, etc. I naturally reach out for people but very often schedules conflict and so who’s always there? Me, of course! Yesterday I did some more just-me Bri time and I finished another novel. (Unless I read the Twilight series I don’t think I’ll reach my goal of 12 books this year. So far I’ve only read 6 with two months to go.)

Speaking of two months, it’s funny how quickly time passes isn’t it? Hey life! I don’t appreciate the daily reminders. Quit it already!

Hm, is retreating into myself really what I need right now? Forgive my lacking social skills as of late; winter’s coming. Bri Bear does need to go hide in her den for a while.

(This was sort of choppy wasn’t it? OH WELL~)

Oct
24

Travel Hymn

Last night was a rather interesting experience. Let’s leave it at that.

I had a NIGHTMARE from which I awoke panic-stricken … I was getting married in my dream. I don’t know who ze lovely man was but I just know I didn’t want to get married and he and I had some sort of conversation in which we agreed to go through with it anyway. *cries a little on the inside* At least my dress was gorgeous~?

I’m going back home today. This has been an AWFUL lazy week. Well I mean, not really… but I suddenly like BAM lost interest in Japanese 4. *shrugs* I don’t think I’ll be taking any more Japanese classes. Personally I don’t enjoy attending a single class every single day especially when it does not count towards my majors at all… and I’m past the language requirement.

Btw, Repo! The Genetic Opera is the besssstttest thing ever. The soundtrack is as addicting as Zydrate. ^^;

Hey, I was super social yesterday. (: And! I taught someone how to ride a bike~ yeeeah.

Argh asdfasdf time to go to Japanese class.

Oct
14

Breathe my spirit, breathe.

Love is in the air tonight so just breathe.

Lovely Blindside lyrics aside, I just got back from my jogging class. After shower numero dos (#2) it still feels like there is a ruptured hole in my lungs. As I got back I was coughing lightly and it was like “zomgzz *heavy breathing*” but now it’s just mild discomfort. Today we did a timed mile. I always just jog 2 miles, but specifically Coach wanted to time us today to see how much we improve by the time the class is over. So yes… I ran. ^^; Maybe I should get myself used to running instead of jogging. -_-; It would have been the smarter thing to do but whatever.

Unfortunate side-effect of losing weight and going out to run at NOON :mad: is that I am now tanned and my jeans are falling off. Hahaha… the latter I don’t mind so much (oooh shopping anyone?) but my tan is AWKWARD! 0:

Ooh so last night I was panicking & stuff wondering when I have my health midterm… it’s on Thursday. *dies* I have so much fucking reading to do for that class it’s not even mildly amusing. ):

Ooooh but we’re getting our take-home midterm for Phil of Mind this weekend and it’s due on the 27th! I am so excited. *dances*

Seriously, I could sit with you and a cup of coffee and talk philosophy, all night long. (; Seriously, I’m surprised at how I remember everything I’ve been taught thus far… 0:

I have a study plan: Later today I’m going to blog about what I’ve been learning in health psych. In conversational form. That always helps me. *sniffles* ‘Cus no one can be bothered enough to bore them to death with details of health psych. So far it’s all this physiological shit and it’s like arrghhh ok whatever. XD That makes no sense whatsoever but eh. ^_^;

As comfortable as my pink bathrobe is it’s time to get ready to go to the very dreaded class I was talking about: Health Psych.

Oct
06

You Will Not Die…

Listening to Blessthefall is pretty great, especially when it’s so loud you know the neighbors can hear it and even better right after you’ve just finished playing artists like TLC, Coolio, R. Kelly, and Michael Jackson. What can I say? I like me some vaaaried genres of music!

Keeping up with reading for classes really isn’t that bad! It’s all about pacing yourself and really getting down to it every day, without exception (uh except Friday and Saturday are my school-work-free days; that’s my law). All my classes are going very well so far. There are some times with I sort of trip out thinking, “Oh which of these classes am I going to fail? Probably Health Psych, or hmm… nah probabaly Stats.” But then! I read the textbook and it’s so easy to read… and I do my stats homework and I remember how well I did in it in high-school that I tell myself it’s *not* a big deal and then I sincerely believe it. Take it a day at a time!

Never thought I’d say this but Philosophy of Mind is going too slow! I’m so eager to learn more that I want the professor to keep giving us material and really I could sit there for a few hours… because one hour is not enough! Seriously… and I thought I had it bad for Phill 100A which was upper-division Ethics. Hehe… ^^;

Wow this weekend I spent more money than I should have… but oh well… I’m happy with everything I got! Tadadadada lalala lalala… *humming* This song is washing some serious serenity over my body. Hah, that sounds all hippie-ish… ^^;

Next song, next emotion. They’re all so transient. From yesterday.

Here’s to some kind of rebirth.

Go back to top