Sep
05

you failed to feel delight.

There’s a serious lack of focus in my life right now. But maybe I’m thinking that’s the case after a weekend spent smoking a whole lot of mota.

I miss thinking about guys. OR GUY, rather. Let’s not make me out to be some classy ho. I just want a man in life… whether online or real life. I don’t even care… I just miss the presence of conversation. My brain is dying without any intellectual stimulation via male friend. Geezus, I sound so desperate. But I miss that side of myself that spoke in witty circles and …

Ugh, I don’t know. I’m annoyed. There are too many things to say. And I just don’t know how to say any of them… But above all, I miss him. Always him. IT KILLS ME. I just want to be back in New York where it was freezing cold. How unrelated. My brain is scattereddddd. Too much mota does that shit to you.

I miss rushing, checking, messaging, blushing, laughing, calling, feeling.

Somehow this feels like saying, “I miss the 90s” because no matter how great that decade was, it’s gone forever and it’s never coming back. Nostalgia really sucks.

Nov
03

Leaves of Grass

There are some bad decisions in life, and some good decisions. Suppose most of us are aware of the difference between these two tokens of the type, decisions. Yet, knowing a decision is good or bad, what makes someone choose the bad? There must be a justification for choosing one over the other. I’m a Utilitarian. If a decision does not promote the most aggregate utility (i.e. a bad decision would not qualify for having more utility than a good decision), then why decide bad over good? I cannot wrap my head around why, other than the fact that to err is human.

Recently, I’ve been making a string of bad decisions. Though, following my Utilitarian strain, if an action was inherently bad but the outcome good, what then? Well, I guess that’s why Utlitarians are not an action-based ethical principal, but a consequentialist ethical principal? The problem with Utilitarianism is the problem in my question as well. An action might produce an immediate sense of goodness, only to later produce badness; which consequence is of the most value?

Do people take only the short-term consequences into consideration? I mean, it’s impossible to look into the future to know the outcome of every action. Hm… hahaha I just reconstructed an argument for the failure of Utilitarianism… and do note that I am a Utilitarian.

Anyway, this got more philosophical when I’d wanted it to be more emotional. So much for that.

A small victory (?): Finally cried in front of David after being friends for over 5 years. He biked right on over when he realized that I was feeling sad. It was still hard to cry… I’m not much for showing my negative/sad emotions to people because it’s such a private thing. But it was a step toward sharing my feelings?

A small loss: Being at a loss.

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