I haven’t had a single moment of just pure rest & relaxation for exactly 9 days. Meaning I haven’t seen “home” for longer than a handful of minutes (except to sleep for a handful of hours) for that many days.

It’s been fun, don’t get me wrong. But perhaps cherry season is the wrong time to be really active and really social and really fit life.

It’s always stack on stack on stack hangs.

Friday was Work, baby-length nap, hang with Ketta&Luis, then hang with the book club for board games until 2am. Then Saturday was work, exercise, pool party, dinner, Les Miserables (which lasted three fucking hours and though I loved it… my brain was just like… when does this end – 11pm is the answer). Then I ran to the market at 11pm at night to get ripe bananas. Then Sunday I woke up at 6:30 to bake some pastries, headed to church for Family Fun Day, then went running with Sheridan in Long Beach. Then made a light dinner, then headed back to Long Beach for more board game fun until – GET THIS: 9pm. That was like a MIRACLE… I just left early… I don’t think my brain could handle anything more.

This morning there was the stream of work related emails and text messages which is ALWAYS a ruff morning… it feels like sleep deprivation regardless of the amount of hours of Zzz I actually got.

Then I get to go home for a handful of hours and I PRAY: nap. Then it’s barre class at 4:30.

Then tomorrow… tomorrow, I’m skipping my Obon dance practice to PACK. Because I’m moving on Sunday the 29th of June.

Lol. I mean… Holy fuck. WHO MOVES DURING CHERRY SEASON? Because I’m so overwhelmed right now and I’m praying my barre class is more like yoga for the mind today because srsly I can’t even stop and slow down for one minute because things are happening in the office – lots of cherries. So many cherries.

*takes a deep breath*


I think I discovered what was going on with my sleep for the last three or so weeks. REM Rebound.

Every time I fell asleep I would wake up suddenly at 4am and it would feel as though I literally had just barely closed my eyes but due to the passage of time knew for certain I had slept. Yet I didn’t feel rested. I would dream too vividly to feel as though I had gotten any rest whatsoever. So then I would proceed to attempt sleep again and then awaken just past 5… and late to work… every single day.

People experience REM Rebounding when they lose even as little as an hour of sleep a night. The body then prioritizes REM sleep over the non-REM cycles of sleep… meaning dreaming instantly from the moment you fall asleep.

These past few days I’ve been taking cursory glances at different sources regarding the importance of sleep, the sleep phases, and so on. It’s all really fascinating stuff but little of it is concrete – mostly theoretical.

But I fixed my sleep dilemma for now. There’s an app for that. I stopped using my sleep app some time in April but resumed again during the latter part of this week… so that I should be awoken via an alarm during the phase of sleep closest to waking. This has made me feel a bit more rested though not entirely.

I’ve really been neglecting my body for a few weeks: little exercise (just 1-2 times a week), eating a lot of birthday cake and beer, and staying out late. It’s no wonder my sleep quality suffered.

The Internet is such a beautiful thing. Answers lay just at your fingertips, with a few swift strokes at the board. But you must first ask the right questions.

As a side note, Facetime and email exchanges have been rocking my world as of late. It’s close enough without being too close. Another side note: poetry is rocking my world, too. While it’s not much more easily digestible than an entire novel… it is less time-consuming to intake. (Lmao… the number of phrases I use that can be construed as cannibalistic is staggering. It comes so naturally to me. Consumer culture maybe.)

Anyway, today I really did work out and after, my body gave me the middle finger; I projectile vomited all the water I drank during the exercise. But I was/am happy. There is no feeling like the joy that comes from exercise. Don’t get me wrong I’m all for dat fit lyfe, but I hate exercising. It’s the feeling after that I adore. That false sense of accomplishment tinged with the promise of a future reward. Must be the endorphins imbuing me with optimism.

Not One and The Same.

My calendar is so packed this month and next month… I feel fatigue just thinking about it. Right now trying to plan my fitness schedule in a concrete way is draining. I feel pre-lazy. But once it’s on my schedule, I follow through 100%. So it’s easier for me to permanently ink in my plans.

My predominant feeling these days is tired. Just plain tired. Not fully exhausted, not fully drained – just a little bit on the tired side.

I’ve been non-stop every day. Back to back plans for days and days. I hardly sleep on the weekends. And the weekdays are even more busy and the hours more limited and chance to recoup sleep slim.

I’m no longer unhappy but I’m not happy either. It would take too many words, too many emotions, just plain more than I have to explain. But interestingly I found this post in my archives and it makes me so incredibly angry because I know it reminds me of him.

Some quotes of interest to me this evening:

“Although I feel that my tragedy is the greatest in history—greater than the fall of empires—I am nevertheless aware of my total insignificance. I am absolutely persuaded that I am nothing in this universe; yet I feel that mine is the only real existence.”
— Emil Cioran, On the Heights of Despair
— Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun
The same feeling of not belonging, of futility, wherever I go: I pretend interest in what matters nothing to me, I bestir myself mechanically or out of charity, without ever being caught up, without ever being somewhere. What attracts me is elsewhere, and I don’t know what that elsewhere is.

— E.M. Cioran

The one thing that was sustaining some slight possibility in my heart that love exists is gone, so very gone. And now I see the world through more cruel eyes than before. But I can accept the truth of reality with sad ease and from here forward exist only for myself.

The Now.

If I don’t write this now I won’t write this at all.

Right now I’ve just gotten home and already switched into an oversized t-shirt to take a nap in. It’s not that I’m completely weary because all I’ve done today is sit at my desk and work work work. But I feel sort of lethargic. My energy levels are low and I can feel my eyelids weighing heavily on me.

I also feel this heavy weight once again stemming from conflicting things.

I haven’t been eating as much lately so I’m not overly preoccupied with requiring exercise… but at the same time I won’t tone/feel as good if I go without.

Then you know, starting some new Coursera course as per usual… and there’s that episode of Silicon Valley from last night I want to watch.

But those things are out of the question. It’s either nap or exercise. Why not both? At 6 I have to be in Long Beach for our book club meeting. But I also really feel like washing my hair since I washed my hair YESTERDAY morning. And then yannoe my hair starts to look sort of separated and it has less body and then I just don’t feel as on point. So I have three hours to recharge my energy levels and get ready to go out and expend that energy.

And I want to get there a little early (though I know that’s a major stretch) just so I can get a little personal reading done before our meeting… but I cannot conceivably squeeze energy out of a short-lived nap.

It’s work. It’s draining me. It’s depressing me. But I don’t complain anymore. It’s just… it’s work. It’s whatever. I get no fulfillment out of it. I always dreamt of a life in which I would live & breathe for the fulfillment from a career. This just isn’t the right time to question my career path. Money is a cruel necessity. So I work. Without question. Without any fuss. Just work. Make the mountains of paperwork disappear.

But I think it’s taking its toll on me.

In five minutes it will be 3pm. And by then I have to prepare to close my eyes and force myself to nap. Though sleep comes majorly easy to me. I appreciate that at least.

Oh! And Raquel is making a flash trip into town tomorrow from Fresno. We have a lunch date for Indian food. We both lovelove it. So again tomorrow I may go without exercise.

But Wednesday! I have a jogging date with Elizabeth. I’m hoping she’ll have enough energy to pushhhhhh. Also I hope it’s not too fucking hot on Wednesday.

On Friday I have a concert with my brother in Pomona.

When did I start being so short on time? Fuck. It’s all I ever write about. And I mean, I do a lot. But I could be doing a lot more. Subtle difference.

This past weekend I watched Maleficent at El Capitan theater. Fantastic movie. Also hung out with book club last night, too, for Game of Thrones and a board game. We’re board game addicts these days. It keeps me outta trbl I think. Lmao.

Okok. 3 on the dot. NAP TIME.