Definition.

I haven’t had a single moment of just pure rest & relaxation for exactly 9 days. Meaning I haven’t seen “home” for longer than a handful of minutes (except to sleep for a handful of hours) for that many days.

It’s been fun, don’t get me wrong. But perhaps cherry season is the wrong time to be really active and really social and really fit life.

It’s always stack on stack on stack hangs.

Friday was Work, baby-length nap, hang with Ketta&Luis, then hang with the book club for board games until 2am. Then Saturday was work, exercise, pool party, dinner, Les Miserables (which lasted three fucking hours and though I loved it… my brain was just like… when does this end – 11pm is the answer). Then I ran to the market at 11pm at night to get ripe bananas. Then Sunday I woke up at 6:30 to bake some pastries, headed to church for Family Fun Day, then went running with Sheridan in Long Beach. Then made a light dinner, then headed back to Long Beach for more board game fun until – GET THIS: 9pm. That was like a MIRACLE… I just left early… I don’t think my brain could handle anything more.

This morning there was the stream of work related emails and text messages which is ALWAYS a ruff morning… it feels like sleep deprivation regardless of the amount of hours of Zzz I actually got.

Then I get to go home for a handful of hours and I PRAY: nap. Then it’s barre class at 4:30.

Then tomorrow… tomorrow, I’m skipping my Obon dance practice to PACK. Because I’m moving on Sunday the 29th of June.

Lol. I mean… Holy fuck. WHO MOVES DURING CHERRY SEASON? Because I’m so overwhelmed right now and I’m praying my barre class is more like yoga for the mind today because srsly I can’t even stop and slow down for one minute because things are happening in the office – lots of cherries. So many cherries.

*takes a deep breath*

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Memorial Day Weekend.

I’m mildly hesitant to write this post mostly because I’m in a surprisingly good mood. Good moods cloud my judgement to perceive my world almost as much as bad moods. The former, though, usually turns into recapitulation (lists and such) whereas the latter gifts me with analysis.

At present I am inside a cafe in Eagle Rock with David. He’s finishing an essay for his masters and I am for the most part alternating between reading and watching lectures. (Funny… reading/lectures/writing – all educational type activities)

David is perhaps the only person in this whole world that gives me a ~good~ case of mild anxiety. I think he understands the power of potential and what might possibly fulfill my otherwise “basic” life.

I say (aloud) there is very little to fear in life. Even at the worst of times I don’t have it all that bad to give much weight to real worldly fears such as starvation, poverty, etc. etc. As for otherworldly fears such as ghosts/unreal things – I dismiss those without a second thought. But I am scared from time to time.

I have, for several years, been too scared to consider seriously the idea of grad school. The fear? The application. It’s the first roadblock and also the first step in the process beyond intention. If I cannot get beyond the first step I cannot continue to pass any other hurdle along the road to finishing a higher education.

It’s funny because I have very little doubts as to whether grad school would suit me. Forming arguments, theses, pages upon pages of analyses… these are the things I enjoy doing. But I have never seriously considered entering this space I feel I would thrive in because of that roadblock. I don’t know what it is about applications that give me such pause. Maybe they are unnecessarily tedious. Or they’re a confrontation with my credentials and whether some external factor considers those credentials sufficient to grant me access.

This is an issue for me… it comes from my serious disbelief in authority or this idea that someone else can dictate anything about me. My point is – I want x and don’t think it should come down to anyone else but myself as to whether or not I should do x. Basically if I feel I have the potential to accomplish x then I should be allowed to do x. I fully see the problem with this (thinking myself ever-so deserving) but then Shakespeare’s, “Why then the world’s mine oyster/Which I with sword will open” comes to mind.

What can I say, I hold this idea of high self-worth but low actual-worth. Meaning I am content with how I am but don’t think anyone else would be content with me. Or phrased in terms of education: I think I can accomplish the work required of grad school, but will the powers that be think so, too? I immediately think no regardless of my self-created worth. And so: fear. Roadblock.

But David is insistent that I should apply. AFTER ALL, no harm in trying. Except: the work required to complete applications. It seems dreadful for something that isn’t guaranteed. #lazy

Anyway.

On this beautiful long weekend I spent time with da book club, with Ketta darling and her boo, my friend DL and David as well. My family had a BBQ yesterday. Book club and I had another board game night. I went to the beach with Ketta. Went to church, too. Family brunch this morning at our fave Pacific Dining Car.

All the list has been checked: outdoor time, family time, social time, educational time, reading time, movie time. Etcetera.

So I am mostly happy. And only mostly because despite the whole list being checked I naturally am still in a state of emotional flux.

Just as I wished I accomplished a great many things this weekend. And for that I am glad.

I finished reading The Sheltering Sky this weekend. I don’t really want to talk about it very much (at least not yet)… but it’s certainly joined the ranks amongst my favorite books. I started The Night Circus and Marooned in Realtime. I just started a new Coursera class: The Diversity of Exoplanets.

There are so many great and wonderful things coming up. I just gotta stay emotionally stable. Even what at first begins as simply going through the motions soon turns into enjoyment. 🙂

A boring recapitulation but I think it would only be sincere to include the happy times as well as the miserable times.

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Straight Facts (An Explanation)

I’ve committed multiple acts of betrayal as of late.

I’m just so confused why nothing ever suffices. What am I waiting for to make me happy? Do I even enjoy the moments in which I am happy? Sometimes it feels like I’m just waiting for the moment in which I am miserable again. But then once I’m here everything hurts.

At this point what I wish most is to go back to a different time. But then I sat here and wondered “which time?” All of my time has been filled with such a mixture of both joy and pain that I cannot possibly justify going back to re-experience any of that pain even for a glimmer of that familiar happiness I so crave. Present happiness never suffices. Only past happiness. And future happiness is so uncertain that I immediately disregard it as unreal, impossible.

The only time period that ever seemed perfect was 9th grade. I’ve said that for YEARS AND YEARS. But really there wasn’t much happening extraordinarily back then, but at the same time… nothing bad occurred either. But it was the year before a lot of pain.

I remember 10th grade in blood and tears and pain.

I just looked down and realized I was holding in tears. So I’m crying now.

11th grade was nice. That was the year I moved out of my mom’s house. The year I got really close to Eric H. I think. In 11th grade I may have still been pining for Eric L. Wow… that is just forever ago. Almost laughable. And as soon as I had what I wanted, I no longer wanted it. This may have bled into 12th grade as well.

12th grade was hell. More blood, tears, bruises, etc.

College. I started talking to Matthew before I even started college. Summer just before. My heart just drops. If there’s one thing I wish I could undo it would be this. But the connection was instant. Oh god. But if he and I had just never spoken, I wouldn’t have ever become friends with Steven either.

Fact: I really missed Steven on Sunday. So much so I started crying. But to cry for someone that treated me so poorly is just unacceptable.

Fact: I try very hard to please.

Fact: The people I try to please are 1. not deserving 2. impossible to please 3. people I surround myself with 4. people I am more than happy to make happy. Until finally I am discarded, no longer useful, no longer needed.

Fact: I feel as though I cannot ever make anyone happy because I keep failing no matter how much I try, no matter how much I do, how much I love. It’s not ever enough. My love becomes a basis for rejection. And yet these people constantly ask and ask and ask for more and more love. So much love that I feel as though I will burst with how much love I feel and how little I get in return. Though one of my favorite quotes explains it best.

I have this dream. In this dream there is a man. And though this man is rich, successful, famous, he is unhappy, so very unhappy. He is unhappy because the love around him, the love in the hearts of those he cared for most, was beginning to shrivel and wither away. And this, in turn, made his own heart begin to grow in order to make up for the love that was disappearing around him. And the more the love in the hearts of those around him shriveled up, the bigger his own heart grew in order to make up for the growing emptiness that he now began to feel. So the love kept withering away and his heart kept growing bigger. Until one day there was so little love around him and his own heart so big—it burst into a thousand red petals that filled the sky and fell slowly, so very slowly, to the earth. And the people, his friends, the ones who had withheld their love, began to swallow the petals, these remains of the man’s glorious heart as they fell from the sky. Hungrily, they fed. Greedily, they swallowed. They pushed and shoved each other, gorging themselves on these petals because they felt that then they too would become like the man. Rich, famous, beautiful, lonely …

I can only stay strong so much longer without reciprocation.

There were more facts I wanted to talk about. But time isn’t on my side as per usual.

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Work-Life Balance

If I could use a Hashtag right now, it’d be #sephoravalues. Just a side note, because I love hashtags. Hahaha… occasionally a hashtag will make its way into my every day conversation. Slightly awkward, but fun.

#EEEEEEEEE

Right. Let me walk away from the hashtags…

My work-life balance includes late-night after-work hangs with friends, taking care of the mother effing dishes (whoooo love it when they’re all clean!), washing my face, and doing a FACE MASK! (: I’m currently sporting Lush’s Cosmetic Warrior on my face. The garlic odor stings my eyes, that’s for damn sure. UH… LOVING MY LIFE RIGHT NOW? YESSSS!

Thanksgiving is coming uppp in just a few days! I’m so excited to go home… I haven’t gone back in so long! There just isn’t enough time, but since it’s a holiday no work and hence a reason to go home, too. Though I work Wednesday evening and Friday afternoon so it is for only a day. That’s all that is needed, really though. A good family dinner to appreciate them all the more. Cherish the small moments or whatever, right?

I already know what I’m wearing! Hopefully the weather will cooperate and let me wear what I want on Thursday, Thanksgiving.

Wake up time is pretty early tomorrow, as I have class at 9:30 so I best go to sleep soooooon (like now). And then I work at 1~ WOOT! And tomorrow is also pay day at Lush. And Friday is pay day at Sephora. Brb, hella excited. Slightly. But only slightly because I have a ridiculous amount of bills to pay. Shopping addictions aren’t free! D:

I think I got glitter in my eyes… Did I mention this is the season of GLITTER?

♥

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