Is there a story to tell? For so long E.L. was part of my life. It just occurred to me that I brought him up that one time when I was listening to some of the music he recommended to me. And I brought it up to M.T. and he said it didn’t seem like something I would listen to, which is really dead on.

Oh, I’m feeling rather reminiscent. It’s this novel. Not good, really. Not at all. And I’m just thinking way too much.

I feel strangely adultish with this purse and this attire and the way I’m sitting. Everything about it yells ‘grown person’ … I hate to use the word woman. There’s something about the connotations/expections of the word that keep me from seeing myself as one. My lips are trembling, and tears are forming in my eyes. Why does this happen to me always and only in public? There’s a sadder quality about being out and about than in the comforts of your home that makes those tears just so much more willing to fall.

It seems as though he’s trying to tell me he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore and I’m just not getting it. And I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or if it’s the truth. And I’m starting to dislike who I become when I’m with him and usually that’s the only reason I “like” anyone: because of who I become when I’m with them. A selfish reason, yes, but one nonetheless.

There is some sadness too deep to express even in words. I wish I showed my sadness through my eyes, and the whole world knew there is something underneath worth exploring. I want to change. I want to be someone else. A less helpless-looking version of myself.

I can’t believe my aunts asked me if I’m still taking my medication. My ‘behavior’ was pretty perfect this entire weekend and they thought I’m just “getting better” because of the pills. But I told them I haven’t been taking them for months, which is entirely true.

Right now I feel like walking in front of a moving bus, just to die. Why does my depression get this bad? What’s bothering me? Thoughts come a mile a minute and it makes sense for me to be depressed, but then the moment you ask me, I just don’t know. I don’t know at all.

I feel so lost.

1. trying to suggest things we can do so we can talk again. Fail.

2. people see me as some super serious super-goody-two shoes. mark. jonathan. that’s not who I am. I can be serious, but I can also be really silly and fun. It hurts to think people just don’t know me.

I’m totally slacking off on the posting, but words aren’t coming easy.

Things are a lot different this summer. And I’m not entirely sure I appreciate all the changes. I’m always really wary of change. Usually change means things getting worse. So rarely do things get better.

Celebrated Auntie El’s birthday this weekend at the only hotel in Downey. It was OK. Nothing special at all. But it’s pet friendly and El wanted Perlita there. The highlight was Elizabeth visiting me at the hotel!!! (: We chatted it up for a little while and fantasized having children together. *lol* <3 that girl so much!!!

Yesterday we went to some Guatemalan fair and then a Guatemalan restaurant. All of it was culturally disappointing. Hahaha. Mom and El started shit-talking “our people” - but ugh! Seriously. Lol.

I’m still in Downey, and leaving tomorrow because I work the ASPB Movie. Ooh! And then I’m working Merch at the Jack Johnson concert on Wednesday. For 12 hours. o_o; Yeah, pretty hardcore. Haha, but whatevz ‘cus I loooove doing merch!! (:

Okok gonna watch some more lame TV shows tonight.

My aunt’s coming over in a few hours (one-two abouts), and so I’m doing some extra cleaning on top of my usual cleaning to make it look presentable. Anyway, I’ve had this really pretty box for a while, and it was given to me by my aunt to put a goal inside. Well, it’s safe to say I’m not using the box for that… I’ve been meaning to put all the cards and letters I’ve ever received into it instead of the Tinkerbell bag they’re in now. I kept forgetting and etc., but finally~ today! I went into my stuff and got them out. I knew sorting through them would be fun, funny, but also … certain letters that’d be hidden away in there.

I found some letters from my ex-bf while he was away for Navy training. *turns super red* *groans* And yeah, I knew I had to open them up again to read them. My memory is awful, as everyone ~should~ know, and yeah forgot what they said, really. Anyway, I’mma just post a snippet real quick aites?

“Anyway, bored and waiting for graduation on the 26th of January. Hard to believe it’s only about 5 weeks away. Just got to keep the positive attitude and keep everyone else in line. Well just waiting to see you, especially in a dress”

- HOLD IT! He never had a positive attitude, but that aside this makes me turn red. I feel real bad. Will explain. (He was talking about a wedding…)

“… wishing to be sleeping in your arms.
- Mr. Moodypants”

-ARGH. I had forgotten about that nickname.

The whole thing about this that makes me all nervous-ish and weird-ish is the fact that III ever had emotions for someone else and *gasp* they did, too? It’s almost enough to make me nauseous. I’m terribly uncomfortable with lovey-dovey emotions and it’s just… WEIRD. I feel like I’m reading someone else’s “love-letters” and INTRUDING. I can’t really put in words how it makes me feel, but my face is still real red. Anyway, the reason III feel bad is because you know… I’m the one that just RANDOMLY one day “cut” the relationship. Like seriously. AWKWARD STATUS. *mumbles*

I better go finish cleaning before I get caught up on ze computer. ^_^;;