Tears

Now and again I crave a Lover’s brew
despite the bitter note that follows through
close my eyes and taste the fantasy
knowing well and good it does deceive

but dawn it coaxes certain phrases out
turn on the light ‘fore magic burneth out
and in the dark you’ll see whats meant to be
is only marrow’s error and a plea

to fall away
leave me in an almost state of grace
and when its through
i’ll be just another ghost to you

now as it is we’ll part as deities do
we’ll kiss and pay respect where love is due
because we’ve reached the edge of paradise
before we’ve tasted fruit that does entice

we fall away
leave me in an almost state of grace
and when its through
i’ll be just another ghost to you

but then i think of just how brave you are
a child that’s never fallen down too hard
and i’m inclined to love you anyway
and pray for bits of whimsy in heartache

so fall away
leave me in an almost state of grace
and when its through
i’ll be just another ghost to you
fall away
leave me in an almost state of grace…

— kadhja bonet

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Frances Ha

I want this one moment. It’s what I want in a relationship, which might explain why I’m single now. It’s kind of hard to- It’s that thing when you’re with someone and you love them and they know it, and they love you and you know it- But it’s a party! And you’re both talking to other people, and you’re laughing and shining, and you look across the room and catch each other’s eyes. But not because you’re possessive or it’s precisely sexual, but because that is your person in this life. And it’s funny and sad but only because this life will end. And it’s this secret world that exists right there, in public, unnoticed that no one knows about. It’s sort of like how they say that other dimensions exist all around us but we don’t have the ability to perceive them? That’s what I want out of a relationship or just life, I guess.

— Frances Ha

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Wild.

This was once Mazama, I kept reminding myself. This was once a mountain that stood nearly 12,000 feet tall and then had its heart removed. This was once a wasteland of lava and pumice and ash. This was once an empty bowl that took hundreds of years to fill. But hard as I tried, I couldn’t see them in my mind’s eye. Not the mountain or the wasteland or the empty bowl. They simply weren’t there anymore. There was only the stillness and silence of the water: what a mountain and wasteland and and empty bowl turned into after the healing began.

— Wild, Cheryl Strayed

I perhaps read about reading more than I actually read… I need to set time aside for this really fulfilling endeavor. Coming up with creative spaces to read will probably assist me…

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Beauvoir

Simone de Beauvoir was a French writer and existentialist philosopher. I think the most grand title in this world is that of philosopher. A bonafide thinker of thoughts. A deceptively simple thing but I think the difficulty lies in being able to properly express thoughts in a coherent manner.

“I am awfully greedy; I want everything from life. I want to be a woman and to be a man, to have many friends and to have loneliness, to work much and write good books, to travel and enjoy myself, to be selfish and to be unselfish… You see, it is difficult to get all which I want. And then when I do not succeed I get mad with anger.”

– – –

“I am too intelligent, too demanding, and too resourceful for anyone to be able to take charge of me entirely. No one knows me or loves me completely. I have only myself.”

– – –

I can deeply relate to both of these quotes. Anger is my pervading emotion due in large part to all my conflicting desires that ultimately leads to something akin to “want[ing] everything” … and all at once. This is a phrase I have used multiple times in my writing. I think desiring is okay – given it is sufficient fuel for moving forward. But many times it is closer to debilitating, this desire for all the things.

I’ve been spending my few minutes of spare time thinking, thinking, thinking. And doing less writing. Just being in any given moment makes you realize just how impermanent everything is versus monumentalizing it in spoken/written form.

So I am back from my vacation and while I initially thought I would write about it, I think recapitulating it as many times as I have, in conversation, has made me really not feel it necessary to do so. I learned a lot of things while on vacation for 12 days. And that’s all I’d like to say at this time.

Mostly I just wanted to get back into the motion of writing even if sharing words mostly not my own, but words I can understand.

Image Credits: Aphelis.Net

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