“Oh my god, why am I in therapy again?”

Those were the words that kept crossing my mind as I sat in the waiting room, with my hands shaking. I pretended to read the newspaper but I felt nauseous, and most definitely I needed to cry. For a whole year, I’ve been FINE. Now all of a sudden I’m depressed.

All day today I was super restless and I couldn’t concentrate. Then in Psych class I started feeling sad… I was just taking notes.

I have such a headache.

I resolved to make an appointment with my good ol’ therapist Dr. Bimbela. Coming back from 2pm I figured it was better to make the appointment sooner than later. The appointment time? 2:30. I didn’t have enough time to feel “prepared.” It was strange seeing him again… like a recurring nightmare, only not scary. Just… come on… it’s therapy! And I’m going again. I have an appointment scheduled for an hour next week and then half hour the week after that. It’s a time-consuming CHORE to be depressed. This isn’t what I need (the depression) right now.

Let’s just forget this all happened.

——

On the brighter side of life.

Last night Rona and I went to Aroma Bakery Cafe in the Valley at about a quarter to midnight. It’s this lovely classy-casual place where the patrons smoke their cigarettes, drink their coffee, sit seductively, and have a laugh. I did most of those as well; gotta fit in you know? Unfortunately Rona and I weren’t carrying our Djarums so we couldn’t pretend to be quite as cool as everyone else.

The valet man was a goddamn riot.

Good times.

(If I’m having good times why the hell am I depressed? I still appreciate all the fun everyday occurences but… underlying all that I’m just frustrated at life!)

O hai still reading? Lemme tell you, Rona and I found the most potent butter uhm ever. No elaboration needed.

Reading about depression and bipolar disorder in my Abnormal Psychology textbook is getting me depressed. It’s showing the inevitability of the return of my symptoms despite being depression-free for a year. I’m trying to recall this past year and honestly it’s been wiped from my memory. I don’t remember the non-depression (the symptom-less good days). I don’t remember … anything. Every so often I suffer through these memory “resets” – and I’m pretty sure I’ve blogged about this at some point or other; though no one believes me. Events, places, people – they all seem so far away. It’s like all progress is lost. The decisions I made, I can’t remember why I made them. The place I am at today, I can’t remember how I got here. What happened this entire year? I just lost a year of my life. Should I be upset? No, I’m pretty apathetic.

I think some symptoms are coming back. And that’s why I’m realizing that my memory just reset. Everything and everyone agitates my fragile ever-changing mood. I don’t want to bother dealing with anyone. Friends are useless. Or at least that’s the mindset that I’m in, despite that statement not really honestly holding true.

I’m so tired. I need coffee every single day to function. Lethargy is a no-good drag. Ugh. I couldn’t even wake up on time to attend swim class for two weeks! I’m back on that though, because I loooove swimming class. It makes me feel so good, it brightens my day, and it’s giving me a bomb ass tan. (:

The fact that I can even write right now is a sign of the return of my symptoms. For the longest I couldn’t blog because I had nothing to say – I was symptom-less, I wasn’t memorizing all that I did. The memories are all gone now, and I wasn’t even able to capture any of it in a blog entry.

Here we go again.

Spring quarter is beautiful.

My classes:

• Swimming
• Continental Philosophy
• Philosophy of Freedom/Determinism
• Advanced Philosophy of Mind
• Psychopathology

I login only to update my plugins because it irks me when it says something like 7 plugins need updates. Sometimes I’ll feel like blogging, but usually I’m so far away from my computer the words and thoughts aren’t captured. They’re only relevant for so long.

Being 20 is the best thing ever. Last night I made an apple pie. Friends and I decided to get high a few times (lmao omfg let’s not discuss). I love the sun. I have new hobbies. Life is wonderful. Living in a beach town is refreshing.

There is so much to appreciate. (:

I’ll try to keep this updated, at least for my sake.