Oct
28

Are You Telling Me That You Will Listen?

Here’s a picture of my lip piercing (and yeah, slightly swollen, atm, but irl you can’t really tell) (click it to see larger):

lippiercing.jpg

I went home AGAIN this weekend. I slept over at Auntie Meme’s place on Friday night. She watched episodes of shows she recorded while I chatted with Elizabeth, first on the phone, and then online. I recall chatting with some other people, but I just don’t know who I was talking to anymore. My memories fade really fast, sadly. I went to bed at midnight, which is kinda early. Anyway, I got two calls after I slept, one at 1:20 and the other at 1:40… but I was already asleep. I don’t remember this at all, but my aunt said she handed me my cell and I replied, “No, I’m too sleepy.” You can talk to me when I sleep if you say my name, but I won’t remember a single thing in the morning! It’s sort of scary because I might say something without meaning to… eek. AH! I just remembered something from overa year ago… sadness.

Saturday, I attended baby Alex’s 2 year birthday party. Afterward I was pretty exhausted so I took a two-hour nap. Then I met up with Alba at her house. We went to Universal Citywalk and ate dinner at Tu Tu Tango. There was live music and dancing outside, but we felt too shy to dance out there. Instead we watched Rendition. (: Ooh, and I got a new jacket from Hard Rock Cafe. It’s black with pretty pink-ish skulls on the back. Lolol, it’s so me. As the night ended I went back to her house and slept over.

Today she dropped me off at Universal Citywalk and there I met up with Rona. We watched Saw IV♥. I got a delicious pretzel afterward while Rona got a churro. We stopped by The Sock Market (or whatevz it’s called) where I was really tempted to buy lots of cute socks, but I didn’t because they were all mostly size 9-11… and that fits sizes 5.5 to 10. Uhm, well I wear size 3-5… so you can see my dilemma. =\ Entering Hot Topic was fun because all the employees were wearing costumes. (: Rona got Coffeebean afterward. Uh… after some time of walking around her mother came to pick us up and we left to the train station in Van Nuys.

I’m back in my dorm. I met Sharon’s sister, Melissa. She seems really nice. (: I had dinner today with Rona, Tibi, Daniel, Nikita (he’s Russian), and Tyler. It was the bestest most fun meal ever. Having guy friends is infinitely more fun than having girl friends. And, Rona and I now have a secret with each other. Hahah… if you read this on my xanga, shh! (;

Some things are undeniable… and I so badly want to admit something to myself, but I won’t allow it.
The end(:

Aug
05

Quotes!

“She’s figured out all her doubts are someone else’s point of view.”

“Every time I get some ground I gotta turn myself around again.”

“I struggle with forward motion.”

“Every step you take, is a step away from where you used to be.”

“My dreams become nightmares.”

“Heavy thoughts sift through dust.”

I’ve said this before and I will say it again: I never wanted my online &* real life to intermix. Never.

Oh em gee! Blindside’s newest CD, The Great Depression came out on Tuesday. Thanks mucho to Jackiie for “introducing” me to Blindside. -cough- Haha she likes to take credit for me liking them. Nahh, she told me she liked them and then a loooong time after that I looking for some new bands to obsess over and stumbled upon them. After listening to Pitiful (which coincidentally was the first song that Jackiie heard by them, too), I fell in love with them. However, their new CD is more screaming and less singing. Why?! :[ I like their two other CD’s better. But it’s still great!

I sincerely miss a lot of my friends. The ones that actually came to mind are Justine, Jackiie, Joyce (woah what is it with the J’s?), Paula, and Kristen.

Then I started thinking about Heng! o_o; How strange… I was only remembering how that one time when my play-mommy, Valerie, was uber worried about me and then she and Heng stayed after-school to wait for me and even waited until my aunt got there. It’s beyond me why he stayed behind to wait for me and then waited with me. I was more worried about him getting in trouble for staying after-school than anything else. And also, a different time during my 10th grade school year I went to visit Lily and Jessika at the school. But what surprised me is that Heng stayed and waited for me with Paula and Ysabel. Oh right, and the guy that loooved calling me Rikku was there: Oscar. gahh. LOL. Anyway, I could’ve sworn I had heard Oscar say to Heng, “Tell her.” Tell me whaaat? Ooh but it gets more confusing. Okay, so I thought maybe he liked me, but then he calls Chelsey, whom I so rarely speak to now, for me to speak with her. Chelsey’s my friend and his ex-girlfriend. Totally threw my theory out of the water, didn’t it? (: This was pointless but I like to remember things. O_o; Haha yahh…

Aug
01

I’m a teenager, right?

“Until I learned to love myself I was never loving anybody else. Happiness lies in your own hand. It took me much too long to understand…”

My life is so strange. My age says I’m a teenager but I feel like I don’t play the part – at least not well. I don’t even look like a teenager; I look 12 and I’m shooort; I feel as though I stopped growing at age 12. l don’t act like a mature young adult (all the time); with my family, I act waaaay cutesy and hyper and not at all like a 16 1/2-year old. Around those my age, or rather in public I act waaay mature and older than I really am. Ooh yeah, I am so bi-polar. I like both ends of the spectrum and none of the the middle. I don’t experience any of the ‘normal’ teenager experiences. I hardly go out with my friends. And I never call anyone; when I’m the phone it’s only because someone has called me and when I call someone it’s usually my family. ^-^;

Okay, and here is where I get to my main point! Oh em gee. I don’t have the normal high-school experiences… I’ve never had a boyfriend in my life and had it not been for my first kiss being stolen, I’d have never been kissed either. -dies- But then two weeks ago a 23-year old guy asked me out over the phone. -gags- That was the first time a guy asked me out and it had to be so ewww, and his mind was totally off. Theeeen three weeks ago I finally spoke to my goooood friend Jon online since the summer began. We were talking about a girl that liked him and how they were probably going to get together.

Jon: she told me that she likes me
Me: so you took that as initiative [to flirt] ne?
Jon: I didn’t like her that much at first but she’s grown on me
- a lil` later -
Jon: what’s the farthest you’ve gone with a guy?
Me: er…
- a lil` later (after some persuasion on the question) -
Me: er… a kiss?
Jon: that’s it?
Me: yahh. o_O;; just one, too. hahaha
Jon: THAT’S IT
Me: never had a BF in my life LOL
Jon: your missin out
- after I say I’m ugly and him saying I’m not -
Jon: to tell you the truth I had a crush on you
Jon: little bit
Me: hahaha you’re funny
Jon: seriously not lying. that’s why I was mean to you most of the time but then it just became fun
Me: lol oh em gee! xD
Me: Hahah yahh we’re good friends (:
Jon: little crush
Jon: yeah
Me: aww you’re sweet. haha.
Jon: but I am over it…..I like nikki
Jon: lol I will still be mean to you and knock over your water next year too
Jon: don’t worry
Me: hahaha alright!! And I’ll kick your ass everytime.
- later -
Jon: mrs. 4.0
Jon: wait
Jon: miss 4.0
Jon: sry
Me: lol!! (: nahh. I’mma be marriend to mr. 4.0 one day hahaha
Jon: lol I’m Mr. 3.50
Me: =o! hahaha that’s good enough
Jon: are you trying to tell me something?
Me: huh? lol
Me: oh heyy i’mma go to sleep. really exhausted. (: ttyl~ maybe tw if you get online!!

Yes yes, that was a long, but hopefully interesting read. The only confusing part was the “trying to tell me something” bit. Was HE trying to tell ME something? Hahah it’s funny because for a while I thought I liked Jon, too. But I don’t like anyone and no one likes me (unless you count 23-year olds hahahahah). So there ya have it. That’s as far as my life goes. TEENAGER-Y ain’t it? -rolls eyes- Lol. But it’s okay that I’m like not social in that way, right? Nod your head with me.

No doubt.

Jul
31

Weekend fun — as always?

On Saturday, my Auntie Meme, my bro, and I went to the movies here in Paramount. We wanted to watch Stealth but then we saw that Sky High was playing and we had all said we would see the movie together when it came out. So first we watched Sky High and then we watched Stealth. It was kind of funny because Sky High ended at 2:15 and that was the start time for Stealth so we were right on time (got to see the previews and all). But also, I ran back to the front of the movie theater entrance and gave the guy our tickets but I felt weird being inside already and giving him our tickets so I laughed and said, “It’s our second movie.” Lol. This is the third time that Meme and I watch two movies in the same day. :D It’s cool. Hah, but for all the movies I’ve seen I still have not watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I’m determined to get someone to take meee. (:

Today, I woke up at around 8am but I was feeling down so I just went back to bed until 12pm. But my uncle George called my mom to see if my brother wanted to go to the pool at Alex’s mom’s house. Then he mentioned that he had fun with me the last time we hung out, which was sometime this week or … last weekend? — who knows [EDIT: holy shizz... it was only on Friday that we hung out. I have no concept of time]. That motivated me to get up and go to another social activity. Gosh, I need it, too. If it weren’t for going out I’d feel like crawling in a hole and never coming out again. So I went and saw Lisa, Alex, and their families, respectively. Auntie Meme, auntie Maggie, and uncle Brian were all there, too. Funnn! Chris and Georgito got into the pool. (:

Then I came home and played Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory in Co-op mode with my brother. I looove the game, but I only wish my brother was better. Everytime we succeed in a mission it’s because of me and everytime we lose it’s because of him. Haha. He’s only 9; he’s too young to be as good a gamer as me. ;) Hahaha and it doesn’t take much, either, ‘cus I’m not the greatest. ;D Ooh yes, and I bought The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind because Ryan kept saying it’s the bestestest game liek evar. It’s fun! I like it so far, but I like Splinter Cell more. Next challenge: learn how to play Halo and/or Halo 2. lmao. I suuuuck. (: Next challenger for my brother: get up to Standard mode on DDR. He plays on Light and he’s pretty good. And here I thought I was hating games more and more. x.o;

I can’t wait for the Xbox 360, coming out this fall! I waaaant it. Ooh and next year the PlayStation 3 is coming out. It’s awesome; the PS3 uses the Spider-man font on its console. Ooooh but what I really am looking forward to, because it’s still mostly a secret, is the new Nintendo system, “Revolution.” The controller hasn’t even been revealed, but supposedly it will change the way we game forever. I hope it can live up to its claims. Oh yeah and all the Nintendo games from the last 20 years are going to be available on it~! Damn, so much technology!

More random things. Everyone in my family has heard on the news that GTA San Andreas is being recalled because of the interactive sex parts. o_O;; Wtf… hahaha. The rating is going to be changed to Adults Only. Siiiickness. My uncle Brian’s brother is working on the new Sims Expansion. (: He works for EA Games. Liek oh em gee! I want to talk to him and ask him so many questions about it! I haven’t gotten Sims 2 University yet because everytime I see it I say, “Ooh yeah I need to get it, but it can wait.” I haven’t played The Sims or The Sims 2 since The Sims 2 came out. I feel so bad. Too many games and not enough time to plaaaay. Lol. Ooh and on Saturday, my auntie El slept over our house and whaddya know — she bought a $2500 Sony VAIO laptop. -cries- My mouth was literally watering. I’ve wanted a Sony VAIO PC or laptop for a loooong time. -sniffles- It’s alright ‘cus I love my HP PC. And my mom lets me use her laptop. Psh, it’s all good. Hahah.

Like damn.

Jul
26

Deep in my Heart I’m Concealing

“Deep in my heart I’m concealing things that I’m longing to say. Scared to confess what I’m feeling, frightened you’ll slip away, you must love me.”

:’[

Normal-style entry time! The Sister Carrie essay is due today anytime before 3.00pm. I finished it yesterday. It wasn’t very difficult, but I’m not too confident that I correctly hit the topic. I hated the question because it had absolutely nothing to do with the book. There were so many things I wished to discuss, and the question asks about the setting! Anyway, Paula called me yesterday and finally I got to discuss the book~!!

I can’t decide whether I really hated the book or really liked it. It was just one of those books. Haha . . . the novel was so iono. The beginning set up the story rather well; so well, in fact that it was boring. Some time in the middle it was just a verbosely-written romance novel. Then it got interesting. I hated just about all the characters except for Drouet and the very minor character, Ames. Just about everyone ended up completely miserable. I hated Carrie, I hated Hurstwood, and I hated … yeah everyone except the two characters I mentioned. Geez, the irony, too; that Ames guy kinda had it; Carrie was so impressionable that she took in every one of his words and then did the opposite. The author was so philosophical at times! Maybe a bit too much because sometimes they felt like space-fillers or ramblings. I also didn’t agree with everything the guy was saying, but it made sense. It sounds like I hate the novel. It was really well-written, but it’s just that the characters were so ugh!

Buh-bye, the french fry. Er . . . haha.

If you’re listening …

“I’ve got an hour to find. So tell me, what do I need? What is the meaning?”

I feel so utterly hopelessly confused. Looking back, I don’t know whether to regret the year or be grateful for the experiences it brought me. It all always falls apart in the end does it not? I thought it’d hurt more, but that’s probably only because I’ve felt more hurt than this before. Pain knows no boundaries. I feel as though I should laugh at myself because I swallowed all of my words. Everything I ever told her, I should have listened and told myself because it was the same situation. Did I figure that in the end I’d turn out better than she did? Of course not, and yesterday completely proved it to me as much as a slap in the face would’ve. Everyone cheered me on and led me to believe that it was alright. But deep inside I knew the truth. The feeling was less; the idea of it felt better than it truly did. I fooled myself good.

There is another world altogether underneath my exterior. I live a private world of pain and sadness. I try not to let it affect me, but it shows. Oh, how it shows. In every smile I give, I can feel myself crumbling; I’m falling—I’m falling. I want to close my eyes, and pull the covers over my face for good measure, and cry myself to sleep—all without anyone knowing. I want to stay all alone; no, wait, I am all alone. And yet I’m still not content. I want someone to understand but am so afraid of meeting someone that does. Why, if they understand they’re no better off than I am! The irony of it all. So tell me, what do I need?

It makes no sense. I make no sense. The world spins and I watch it waiting for my turn to jump back in. I’m never going to find it am I? I’m too fucked up for any good to come this way. Oh, just leave me alone. I’ll be alright without anyone. It’s just as she said it’d be. And I’ll be just as she imagined. Already I’ve spoken of four people, five including myself, and no names have escaped my lips. What kind of a world is this? Nameless faces. Whatsername.

It’s all over. I feel as though I missed something. Did I? What is the meaning? I was unimportant wasn’t I? I was never given a second thought to. “Why does it always have to be about you?” he asked me one time. Well, isn’t it always my fault?! I provide for needless complications. In my heart of hearts I know it to be true. I find solace in expressing my worries and troubles. I believe I only did it with you anyhow. Everyone else yearns to express themselves equally, if not more so than I, but not you. When she met her, she got a taste of what I go through everyday; she even got dizzy. People talk on and on about themselves. What right have I to talk about myself when they’re so wrapped up in their tales? But with you it was different; maybe I only made it so because you never cared, but I made myself believe that it was different. I fooled myself completely. Don’t you dare tell me I get depressed when I go on about how you don’t care — you don’t!

Thinking is bad. Feeling is even worse. Emotions are for the weak. I’m awfully weak, and I hate myself. Don’t you hate me, too?

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