VMAs yesterday did not make me lol. Russell Brand’s humour was just not to my liking. I mean, he was ~scandalous~ sure, and what he was saying could have potentially been funny, but the delivery man! Seriously, like I just never heard laughter coming from the audience either. Though, fuck Miley Cyrus for saying she didn’t even crack a smile and Jordin Sparks for getting wildly offended about the purity ring bashing. Dude, he was joking. She didn’t need to take it so damn seriously. The whole Disney crowd needs to back away from the VMAs if they’re all going to get offended.

Pink’s performance was damn fucking fierce! And Xtina has not lost her magic touch at all. The remix of Genie in a Bottle was great (uh except she lipsynched wtf) and she’s great. I hated Rihanna’s performance though, but that’s because I hate her music. All the instrumental backings to all her songs are fucking like stolen and shit… nothing sounds original. So idk, I just didn’t approve. And aww my lovely Britbrit was damn nervous, but still fierce! Everyone gave her a standing ovation when she walked on the stage to open up the VMAs. And she won three awards! Yeyey.

Alright, enough of that. Just had to get my lil’ 2 cents on here real quick.

I went running on the track yesterday night!! AHHH. Last night David and I were going to go bike riding, but then we just kinda wondered if the track was open and yah it’s totes always open. David ran so many fucking laps… it’s unbelievable. I did 6. Which is a mile and a half. And damn I am sore today~ but not that badly because I’ve been using my leg muscles and stuffs like that for a while now bike-riding. (:

My thigh muscles are swollen, I can tell, because when I touch them they’re rock solid. haha. I love it~ ngl. Ah, but now that I’m getting my legs in shape my upper body is feeling weeeakk. I need to start exercising that again. (: Ahaha… I love how David, Sandy, and I are getting really fit! It’s so fun! Lol, this is what UCSB does to us. And we wondered, when we got here, why everyone was so freaking fit.

We’re not to the point where we can run in just a sports bra or anything like that (like the other girls here), but even if we were - I dun think Sandy or I would do that. Lmao. One step at a time. xD

My mother’s birthday is on Thursday. I have no clue what to get her. Gah! I gotta think of somethin’ ASAP status~

On a really sad note, a UCSB student jumped off a bridge here in Santa Barbara this morning. *sigh* I’ll refrain from saying anything on the matter.

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm
He came around and he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn’t be that man I adored
You don’t seem to know
Or seem to care what your heart is for
Well I don’t know him anymore
There’s nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That’s what’s going on
Nothing’s fine I’m torn

So I guess the fortune teller’s right
I should have seen just what was there
And not some holy light
But you crawled beneath my veins
And now I don’t care
I have no luck
I don’t miss it all that much
There’s just so many things
That I can’t touch I’m torn

Last night as I was lying in bed texting Edgar I got pretty pensive… and after a while Edgar stopped texting (to get in the shower) so I randomly decided to text ze Robert. I was thinking back and I realized he’s the only person to ever have heard me cry. It probably didn’t mean anything to him then, but we were together during the roughest months of my life. I was a fucking walking disaster. When I cried to him two years ago, on the phone, my mother and I had just gotten into a really bad *fight*. And by fight I mean physical fight. It was so bad I had to miss a week of school.

That same week David came over to my house to check up on me. I mean I hadn’t shown up to school in a week! He sat on my bed, and I was sitting at my desk and David started crying. By then I was so over it, so numb from the pain I just couldn’t even cry about it.

Oh shit. Oh wow. This is not the topic I intended to write about but there it is. I’ll just cut this short.

Sandy’s baking blueberry muffins! Yumm~

Small note: Lyrics not to be applied to Rob. They’re separate. A story all their own.

There comes an awkward moment when you realize how silly and naive you really were all along. And I don’t know if I want to cry about it or laugh at myself for what it’s worth. I’d take back every word if I could.

On a different note, everyone in my family is *always* busy every weekend. Or if you’re my mom, you just plain out don’t want to visit me. I called her this morning at 8am after a very strange panicky dream and asked if she wanted to come over this weekend. Her excuse is that she doesn’t like the drive over here. The one and only time she “visited” me she was dropping something off for me and stayed for about 45 minutes. The entire time she complained and complained, and then finally said, “I don’t really want to stay. I’m leaving now.” And it makes me sad to continually ask her/beg her to come over or sleep over.

It’s like that whole thing of mine… I hate convincing people to do anything. I shouldn’t have to because people should do what they want. But then that means that my mother doesn’t want to visit me. And the more attempts I get to mark off every time I ask her the more discouraging it is and the more depressed I get. Should I even have to ask? Now I know I shouldn’t compare but Sandy has someone coming over every. single. weekend. be it family or friends. *sigh*

Me: Hey! Good morning.
Mom: Good morning.
Me: Do you work this weekend?
Mom: …No. Why?
Me: Want to come over and visit me?
Mom: … I hate the drive! I almost die every time. (She gets sleepy in traffic)
Me: Ok. Bye.
Mom: Okay, don’t hang up so rudely! You always do that.
Me: Okay. Have a good weekend. Talk to you later. Bye.
Mom: Bye. I love you.
Me: Ok. *hangs up*

Funny. I hang up that way because if I don’t she’ll beat me to it. What are you supposed to say when your mom rejects you?

It’s definitely me. All me. I remember throwing those ridiculous temper tantrums when I was younger and I do wish i could take all that back. Maybe my relationship with my mother wouldn’t be so bad now if it weren’t for me. Days/nights like this I regret being born.

What good am I to anyone?