denial never spoke so loud


March 25th, 2014

And by that I mean THROWS A FIT.

I can’t seem to finish any single post lately. Not even when it’s mostly pictures. I can’t focus my attention on any one thing for longer than like 30 minutes. My brain … and here I literally trailed off for about 10 minutes to crack some jokes at work and then started a list of things I need to replenish. Uhm, hello, brain, stop running off on me. It’s impossible to catch up!

You know, sometimes it’s hard reading blogs where it’s like, “what’s your morning routine?” And the response is usually something like:

Once I finally get out of bed (it takes some convincing), I begin with 10-20 min of yoga to stretch and then wash my face with two pumps of …

First of all.

My morning is like MAD DASH to the finish line. Once that alarm goes off things are no longer funny, there are NO JOKES. There is no ~moment of pause~ or reflection, as romantic as that may sound. It’s all wishful thinking.

For me? The alarm goes off. I RUN, not walk to the shower. And then it’s like every minute is calculated until I have about 15 minutes left before I need to be out the door and then I try as quietly as possible to sneak down the stairs without making the dogs bark, while in loud CLICK-CLACKING heels, breathing frantically that I need to get into the kitchen or else I will not have a good breakfast or a good morning for that matter.

Then the blog post I was reading continues:

I tend to have green smoothies or oatmeal for breakfast. My classic green smoothie: 1 cup almond milk, a bunch of kale (or spinach or chard), 1/2 avocado, 1 banana, bit of spirulina or wheatgrass, good bunch of chia seeds. For oatmeal, I’ll add honey, chia seeds or whatever nuts I have on hand.

And fine, fine. I add very similar things to my smoothie as well. But what posts like these fail to discuss is HOW IMMEDIATELY HUNGRY you will be or how fucking PLAIN oatmeal tastes (even with the addition of fruit stuffz). Have you ever tried a week of oatmeal? You want to murder yourself and the world for the creation of such a plain tasting healthy supposedly ‘filling’ food.

So sure, let’s romanticize healthy living saying you lackadaisically roll out of bed, and partake in an indeterminate amount of time on yoga and then eat this super healthy breakfast like it’s the best food in the world. D:

Maybe I’m hardcore hating right now. HATING SO HARD.

Because for me to ~slowly, hesitatingly~ roll out of bed I’d have to start at THREE AM. Cries.

And no matter how hard I try, it’s not happening. Not even when my 4am alarm clock threatens me with being FAT FOREVER. I equally turn off the 4am alarm that says “Fat Forever” and the 3am “Good morning, sunshine and rainbows!” If I need sleep, I need sleep.

Trying to reconcile all the things I *need/should* do is next to impossible with the things I *want* to do. This, here, has been my epic struggle as of late. In too many aspects to mention.

I start off with the good intention of waking up bright-eyed, starry-eyed, and wide awake. The truth is I can barely open my eyes and find myself practically sprawled on the floor from lack of energy.

According to all things WELL AND GOOD, I should every morning OIL PULL (for 15 minutes ideally), drink a glass of lukewarm water with lemon, meditate for 20 minutes, maybe read the newspaper or listen to the news, and all GOOD people exercise before work. WUTDAFUX.

Motivation and intent are there. BUT WHERE IS MY FOLLOW THROUGH? If life were a game of basketball, I’d be standing right by the 3 point line with the basket clear in sight and forgetting to shoot.

And I get it. If I worked out in the morning I would just shower and get ready for work immediately after. But as it so happens, my social life is jam-packed. Very few days are without some sort of plans. Which then means: speed home, change into exercise clothes – and then here exercise. Let’s pause the routine for a minute into another part that fitness blogs fail to mention:

HOW HARD THE “EXERCISE” portion of your day really is.

It’s this casual, “Oh you know… I bust out a quick 5 mile run with a smile on my face.”


But fitness blogs don’t tell you that. :\

Okay so then I exercise right?

And then I … HAVE TO GET READY ALL OVER AGAIN. It’s like 4am but with the sun out. MAD DASH TO SHOWER (again), blow dry the hair, pick a fucking outfit…

And I feel like this MAD DASH to get ready twice a day is ultimately ~preventable~ but it requires I get up at 3am.

And then yannoe… Feeling all good that I sacrificed the tastiness of life via smoothies, oatmeal, or salad for lunch… I go and EAT BIG for dinner with friends/family/whomever I have plans with that evening. And then it all feels like this EPIC struggle that in the end is just so nullified by one wrong deed.

I was tempted to also start a rant about how I no longer use sulfates…. no preservatives… no high fructose corn syrup… no synthetic fragrances. It’s like BY THE DAY the list of things I have to be wary and insanely avoid increases.


I suppose if it’s starting to feel like a struggle… this sort of lifestyle is costing me too much energy. Maybe I’m overwhelmed.

There are so many things I want/need to do on any given day that I just … don’t have the time.

My friend does her free time/meditation during her lunch break. I don’t really get one of those. We’re working all the time. And I feel like if I could slip some productivity into my working hours, I wouldn’t feel so burdened by having to accomplish SO MUCH in the few hours I have available to me before/after work. I work so fast. Today, for example, I finished all my work by 8am. Usually it’s by 9am though. And then I have nothing to do until about 11 or 12. That’s THREE HOURS of dead time. I can’t exactly bust out a book and start reading. Or put on my headphones and start watching TV.

But the time I waste at work doing nothing… is increasing. And it increases the burden of having to do the ACTUAL things I need to get done into a much smaller time frame.

OK. I’m done. I’m done ranting. I’m going to go eat a chicken sandwich now. Not a burger, a chicken sandwich. Because that’s the healthier alternative right?

Cut, Squeeze, Pour.

May 6th, 2010

Lemon Detox Diet.

I don’t want to commit to a strict length of time for this detox, but I’m thinking somewhere between 5 and 7 days. I don’t think 10 days ventures into healthy territory for me. I’m only 21… don’t think I need that much of a cleanse… (:

Day 1 (Monday) – Really hard. I was craving everything under the sun. Healthy Breakfast + 4 cups.

Day 2 – Still pretty hard. No longer craving as many things, but some mild stomach discomfort set in. 8 cups.

Day 3 – Woke up with a lot of energy and earlier than usual. One of the reasons for getting on this detox is because I was still feeling tired after sleeping 10 hours, and just sluggish all day. The day went pretty well. Accompanied friends to go get pho (…! and I resisted), though there was some mild boredom and it felt easier to just go out and eat. Late at night I was starting to feel hunger pangs so I drank a few more sips of lemonade and went to bed at around midnight. 6 cups.

Day 4 – Woke up reluctantly to write an essay, but again full of energy. Not so many cravings anymore but any food seems sufficient to fulfill the hunger void. Though I shouldn’t be hungry… I should keep making more lemonade, but I have only a short break between classes today so it has to wait.

Breathe my spirit, breathe.

October 14th, 2008

Love is in the air tonight so just breathe.

Lovely Blindside lyrics aside, I just got back from my jogging class. After shower numero dos (#2) it still feels like there is a ruptured hole in my lungs. As I got back I was coughing lightly and it was like “zomgzz *heavy breathing*” but now it’s just mild discomfort. Today we did a timed mile. I always just jog 2 miles, but specifically Coach wanted to time us today to see how much we improve by the time the class is over. So yes… I ran. ^^; Maybe I should get myself used to running instead of jogging. -_-; It would have been the smarter thing to do but whatever.

Unfortunate side-effect of losing weight and going out to run at NOON :mad: is that I am now tanned and my jeans are falling off. Hahaha… the latter I don’t mind so much (oooh shopping anyone?) but my tan is AWKWARD! 0:

Ooh so last night I was panicking & stuff wondering when I have my health midterm… it’s on Thursday. *dies* I have so much fucking reading to do for that class it’s not even mildly amusing. ):

Ooooh but we’re getting our take-home midterm for Phil of Mind this weekend and it’s due on the 27th! I am so excited. *dances*

Seriously, I could sit with you and a cup of coffee and talk philosophy, all night long. (; Seriously, I’m surprised at how I remember everything I’ve been taught thus far… 0:

I have a study plan: Later today I’m going to blog about what I’ve been learning in health psych. In conversational form. That always helps me. *sniffles* ‘Cus no one can be bothered enough to bore them to death with details of health psych. So far it’s all this physiological shit and it’s like arrghhh ok whatever. XD That makes no sense whatsoever but eh. ^_^;

As comfortable as my pink bathrobe is it’s time to get ready to go to the very dreaded class I was talking about: Health Psych.

The week just begun, really?

January 8th, 2008

The days in which I’m busiest are the hardest to write about. I have to leave again in 15 minutes and I won’t be back until 10pm. I’ve been in my room today a total of 45 minutes (not counting the morning wake up & etc.). I had two classes today, two! And still… my time goes somewhere, doing something. I just don’t know.

At 5pm I have a Community Affairs Board meeting, and I’m just hoping to death it ends soon. Then at 7:30 Sandy, Rona, and I are going to go watch Across The Universe. I’ve already seen it, but it’s part of AS Program Board, and I signed up to go, so whatevz.

I had a student health appointment today. And I have two tomorrow. I gots me another set of pills today. LMAO… I now take 7 pills a day. Well, two Omega-3, and one Centrum. The other pills are daily. Then there are two other medications I can take if I’m too… uppity… or can’t sleep. My life of pill-taking is interesting

Shit, I have to leave in 10 minutes.

I haven’t taken any photos today. It’s stressing me out. In these last minutes I’m going to look for the chargers to my digi-cam and my dslr. UGH, eventually, sometime soon, when I get time, I will put the photos up on the 365 blog. *STRESSSSSED*

Okokok… I gotz 2 go!

Reminder: Prep info for 11am tomorrow. I learned something medical-related today…


denial never spoke so loud