Heart-Strutter.org

denial never spoke so loud

Big Bear

January 5th, 2008

We’ve arrived at the cabin, and I must say it’s absolutely lovely. The cabin is two stories, with three bedrooms, and a balcony in the master. The kitchen is large, there are two restrooms, and even a washer and dryer. It seems a bit much considering we’re only staying here for two days, one night… but who cares; it’s fabulous. (:

I’ve already taken it upon myself to take photos with my DSLR and perhaps later I’ll upload them onto my new shiny photolog. I have been taking photos daily, actually! but it’s hard to upload them at mi madre’s because I didn’t have the wire for the DSLR (I left my wires at Meme’s) and my macbook doesn’t have slots for memory sticks. I’ll have quite the job when I go back to UCSB, picking photos, and editing. Putting them on the blog is way easy with this WordPress plugin I used. (:

I realize I never put a photo of my blonde hair on my blog! Well, now is a good a time as any.

ellesparty.jpg

Well, we’re eating popcorn now and watching Shooter. :] I love that movie. I also love snow attire! ^_^ Boots, astronaut-looking pants (lolol) and pretty & warm windbreaker jackets. W00t w00t. Haha, I was on the walkie talkie the whole time over here with my Uncle (he was in the other car) and I kept  saying “W00t w00t!” and making jokes.

Foresttt<3

Steady Eagerness

January 2nd, 2008

I’m slightly bored at the moment, and even though I am merely sitting here, and on my laptop, I can sense the new year, and I’m taking the days slowly, one at a time. Naturally, my depression will merely sink back in with time, but I’m not thinking about that, and merely trying to appreciate my current state of mind.

It’s only the second day of the New Year so I shouldn’t jump to any hasty ideas of grandeur that this year will be the year I’ve been waiting for all my life. Wait, is it too late?

I think the optimism stems from two places. I regret one of them, but if it provides some form of comfort, so be it. Okay, thinking about it, three places that my optimism comes from; I should give myself some credit, after all. I have been making some changes in my life recently, and I’m very much hoping that these changes will benefit me. I’ve started to eat healthier, I’m continuing to take my daily vitamins (and pills), but I also added on a new pill: Omega-3/Fish Oil pills! Yeah, okay it seems lame, but they’re also beneficial *ahem* with bi-polar ppl. I don’t exactly know why, but who cares? They’re healthy anyway, so no harm done. While I still have some crazy ups and downs I’m trying really really hard to keep it to a minimum, or to not let it show (as much).

The second reason for this new sudden outlook on life may have something to do with the fact that I restarted my 101 Goals in 1001 days. I had deleted all of them one random day when I was feeling particularly depressed and felt all hope was lost… but you know, whatever. I re-made the list. I just have to add a few more goals to make the list complete. I’m running out of ideas, though! I’ll eventually think of something. I may not be able to accomplish all of those goals, but I can attempt it and right now, that’s what counts. I’m striving toward trying my best, which may not necessarily result in success. Having goals means I believe I can accomplish something and make something of myself. I think I’m being slightly repetitive, but I’m also stalling on talking about the third reason why I’m so optimistic.

I started off my new year with a very long conversation. I’m slightly bitter as though I was tricked into having the conversation, but no matter because it can’t be undone. After something like an hour on the phone with Matthew we switched it up to IM. The phone call was pleasant, I think. I can’t really recall what we talked about now because the conversation we started up next strikes me as much more poignant. In the time frame of 3 hours I revealed more about myself than I would have liked, trusted him (like way a lot), and even cried. Oh yeah, I was an emotional rollercoaster that morning. I literally started my new year by letting myself become vulnerable. VULNERABLE, like someone weak. I definitely wasn’t OK with it then, but I’m glad it happened, now. Three things I allowed myself to do that I typically do not (and make an effort not to do). So, because of that, thanks Matthew dear. I honestly love Twinkie. And yeahyeah I love friends easily, but that doesn’t matter; I still do love him. It’s not so good an idea to rely on a friend to help me feel motivated and happy, but fighting it will only make it worse. So, like he said, I’ll just cherish him. lololol.

I just took a few photos representing my day (admittedly quite boring so far). All I have left is to take a self-portrait [not necessarily my face] for the day. Side note: these are for my 101 in 1001. Big challenge!

Productivity is key… I want to go read something or accomplish something today. I don’t know what it will be, but it’ll be something. Oh yes, and I must, by the end of the day watch a movie recommended to me. (It better be good, or I’ll cry!)

The day’s never felt so bright.

Happy New Year

January 1st, 2008

This is the obligatory new year post, but more than that it’s also a step towards completing some crazy goals this year. I have resumed my 101 goals in 1001 days likely because I was feeling very positive that day. I’ve been having some crazy days recently… but that’s way off topic.

Yesyes, well I will have a lot to do this year… I have to blog every single motherfuhreaking day, take a photo that summarizes my day every day, and a portrait of myself every day (not necessarily my face). Can I do all that every day for one whole year? At the moment I feel very doubtful, but energized and motivated to have a daily “chore” if you will – something interesting to do. I’m hoping with time taking photos and writing daily will become as natural as brushing my teeth and taking my pills. (:

I already took pictures of myself (with a bunch o’ family) and photos that I think explains the day. Now, I’m blogging. That’s one day down. 364 (Feb. 29 excluded) more to go!!

I most definitely will edit this post to attach two photos. There will typically be two photos per post now, unless I do a end of the week summary and shit. XD; I have a whole year to figure out how I want to work this thing out. (:

Oh yes… we had dinner last night at Sambi, a Japanese restaurant in Downey. We stayed there until slightly past midnight. When we left we danced our way out… lmao. In a single file line. Lmao. We passed through the dance floor and danced with the peeps there. It was nice. (: Afterward we all headed to Elle’s house for the prizes. The prizes were $100, $200, $300, $400, and then three envelopes with $60 in them for the kids.

We had to write three resolutions onto a slip of paper with our name at the bottom. The papers went into a glass bowl and Diego helped me pull out the papers. And I read them aloud. The first name was… mine. Lmao. Sadly, I got the $100. Emo status. I was hoping for more… but some is better than none right? After, Alba won. Then Mary. Then Carlos (he isn’t part of our family, but he def. needs money atm, so he deserves it). The other four adults that didn’t win from the resolution draw still had their resolutions read aloud and their consolation prize was $40. However, only three adults won… Brian was the last winner and he agreed to give half of his loser’s money to my Uncle George. lolol. Then the kids… there were four, and only three of them got $60, but Diego got $20 consolation prize. XD; Basically… everyone won, but in diff. amounts. I soooo wanted that $400, but I guess I’m the one that needs it the least. ^^;

Alright, will editz this later with photossss. :D

Happy New Year bbkakez.

Hypaethral

December 24th, 2007

I like that word. Open to the sky.

I haven’t really had any thoughts to write about, so I haven’t been blogging. It’s tempting to end the entry here considering I am thoughtless. This isn’t apathy, or depression, or hypomania. This is content, maybe.

Happy holidays.

I was excited a bit earlier to open gifts at midnight, but now I’m … okay, so maybe this is not contentedness. It’s a flatline of emotion, but I still care… It’s exhausting to show emotion sometimes.

To know you is to hate you♥
So loving you must be like suicide
Well I don’t mind if you don’t mind

Hah, Green Day

Okok I WILL make a layout. RIGHT NOW. I must get something done!! The sky’s the limit.

Heart-Strutter.org

denial never spoke so loud