Nov
10

Angry.

I am angry.

There’s so much anger in me. Breathing doesn’t do much to ease the tension clinging so hard to my shoulders, my neck, my head. And I can feel the anger hovering over me, pressing against me, weighing me down.

Everything makes me angry.

There’s a lack of control in most of the situations in my life. And it’s not that I need control, but would like just a little bit more than what I have. I think it’s that I’m naturally outspoken about my beliefs, about my opinions… and at work I have to remain quiet. I cannot speak my mind, I cannot address what is bothering me. I always just BLURT OUT (thoughtfully) what I need to say. There’s usually no need for restraint in my thought process. But at work I’m shackled to silence.

And situations cannot mend if there is an unawareness of the problem. So nothing changes. Nothing gets better. There’s this awful build up of anger within me, over me, permeating my skin, and radiating from me onto everyone. And I am not pleasant this way. And nothing gets better.

I am so sick of being angry. But I cannot simply relinquish all that bothers me. Instead I need for it to be fixed. And I have no control over this. No say in anything.

All the little things that should not phase me, phase me. And burn me out. By the end of the day I just feel so weighed down by everything that bothers me all day long…

Several times throughout the day my head feels heavy and light all at once. It’s like dizziness. It’s hard to focus. And I feel there are so many things going on in my mind. And I can’t focus on any one thing. And this causes mind confusion. And in those moments it’s hard to hear, hard to listen, hard to do anything. And then I take a deep breath and become very acutely aware of the dizziness.

I am angry.

But this just isn’t me. I’m always the first one to forgive and forget. Most especially forget. Usually it doesn’t matter. Because no matter what you say or do I don’t give in, and I don’t give up. Except there’s a conflict here. This relates to the previous post. I’m used to things going my way. But when things don’t go my way, that’s unacceptable, things have to get better. So it’s this constant tugging back and forth between not getting my way and not giving in. But I have no control over either. Neither will change. And I need change, crave change, must have change.

Everything about me just conflicts with itself in this never-ending circle of mass confusion. It’s like the Pisces sign. One fish goes one way, the other fish goes the opposite way. There is no meeting in between but consistently going in two directions in one ever-cycling, ever-changing circle. The two fish repel one another and yet co-exist in that circle. One side is upright and logical, and the other is backwards/upside down and emotional/non-sensical.

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

Nov
07

All but once.

Looking back, thinking back… I have come to the realization that one way or another I usually get what I want. The revelation came to me when I was looking at photos from my trip to New York last December. There were two pairs of shoes I wanted and though I could afford one of the two pairs, held off on both, knowing I should not spend ALL my vacation budget on one thing. Anyway, I never really quite forgot about either pair of shoes. And not even half a year after that vacation, both pairs of shoes were mine. I only came to realize that today in looking back at those photos that when I want something I do everything I can to make it happen, to make that object of my desire mine.

So that got me thinking. The gears in my brain kinda started to roll and I backtracked to several things that I have wanted throughout the years. And I realize that I am unable to process a “No” response. There is no such thing as “no” to me. I process that response as “not yet” or that perhaps I have not yet convinced a “yes” response. When I was a kid this led to so many temper tantrums. There’s a really strong will in me to pursue anything and everything that I want. Is this selfish? Maybe. Is this self-destructive? It can be. Is this hurtful to others? It has been in the past.

I was unrelenting in my pursuit of E.L. for quite a while. And not only did I get E.L., once I had it, I no longer wanted it. It’s the novelty of the  pursuit. Convincing you that what I want is what you want. Even if it’s not.

This unrelenting will to pursue can be positive, I will admit to that. In a sense, there’s this sort of guarantee that no matter what things will turn out OK, that in some shape or form the tide will turn in my favor – it just takes time. And no amount of rejection or negative response will keep me from pursuing my end goal. It also takes me a very long time to process rejection. It’s almost like my brain functions on fairy land, a world where reality does not matter, only the reality that I want to exist exists.

I still have fear just like everyone else. I fear not getting the job, I fear hearing that dreaded “no” and I fear hearing “I don’t want you.” I’m just like everyone else in this regard. But maybe I can assuage my fears in knowing that I always get what I want. In some manner or another, things turn out OK.

And I know how amazingly spoiled and bratty I sound. But is it really so wrong to stop at nothing to get what you want? Is it really so wrong to chase hard after what may possibly bring you joy (even if in the end it does not)?

I cannot accept defeat. Except just this once I think I have lost.

But always there remains this glimmer of hope in my heart and I just cannot seem to let go.

Yes, I sound like a horrible person. But this blog needs to be about honesty. If it means highlighting my worst points, so be it.

Aug
31

But all the paper said when I was done is…

Restlessness is one of my signature traits. Maybe fickle. Maybe capricious. Furniture constantly gets switched around in my apartment, my hair color changes more often than the seasons, and my living location is now the source of my frustration. Don’t get me wrong – I love Long Beach. The relaxed beach vibe permeates the city but there’s also this great night life buzz. There is so much going on in Long Beach and I have not even explored a fraction of the city with all its local eats and hangs and entertainment. But increasingly I feel this distance from “the city” – the city of Los Angeles proper. Not that I would want to live anywhere downtown (that’s just scary), but closer to where I feel “everything” is located. Los Angeles is about 30 minutes away, maybe more with traffic. It is still just a simple drive away… but I feel so drawn to it. Even the thought of moving to the very classy city of Pasadena seems appealing.

These cities – Santa Monica, Pasadena, Los Angeles (La Brea area), they all have these special vibes, their own cultures, etc. Once I moved I would only miss or yearn for another city. I know that about myself.

My only constant is change.

The thought that things don’t meet my expectations is untrue. Long Beach more than lives up to my thoughts about it. But I feel so… restless, unhappy with the stability.

My life can always be described with the words:

The Greek word, eros, denotes want, lack. The desire for that which is missing. The lover wants what it does not have. It is by definition impossible for him to have what he wants. If… as soon as it is had… it is no longer wanted.

How many times have I quoted those lines on this blog? Many many many times. I always want and want and want. Not necessarily want MORE, I just WANT all the time. For the sake of wanting. I need these wants fulfilled though soon after it means nothing.

Rarely is something enough. Not because it does not satisfy me… but because the satisfaction is so temporary. My mind craves new experiences all the time. “Accomplishments are transient,” right?

accomplishments are transient
they pull me in unremittingly
just lasting this long, I feel relieved
let repetition save me

I always turn a real-life problem into this lyrical, obscure, vague mass.

Aug
28

Start Thinking.

I like this new WordPress theme because it has the option of going to random entries. Rereading past emotions is… bizarre. Everything that ever happened to me happened so long ago. I grew up, and along with that I stopped thinking. The difference between a 17 year old and a 22 year old?

When you’re 17 there’s nothing to do, just a lot to think about. When you’re 22 there’s nothing to think about, just a lot to do.

I hate that I have stopped thinking. But at the same time I literally have nothing to express anymore. My mother doesn’t abuse me anymore. I’m not as lost, conflicted, and in pain anymore. I’m not loving someone that does not love me anymore. In fact, it feels like I live in an emotionless pit of taking it a day at a time. WORK. SLEEP. WORK. SLEEP. It’s a never-ending repetition of that.

This has got to be the most boring entry ever. I have nothing going on, no dreams, no aspirations, no thoughts.

Mar
22

1726.

My senses are on over-drive today. I can smell very keenly and hear things I shouldn’t hear, coming from outside the window of my building. It’s kind of like how I can pick up on electronics being on before even entering the room.

Every day I feel myself changing. Losing true sense of what my actions mean. Disregarding my every judgment. Avoiding introspection. All of this completely speaks against what it means to be me. And I’m scared out of my mind. It’s getting to the point where my actions are unrecognizable, my logic practically non-existent.

At work today I was attempting to just THINK about things and I found that I didn’t really know what I was doing regarding my work… except all my actions were automated… the work was getting done correctly without much conscious effort. That’s sort of how everything’s been for a while.

The lack of time to sit and THINK effects my thought-to-action process. I always wondered why the general population lives so … unconcerned with the repercussions to their actions and I think I realize now that sometimes there isn’t enough mental concern for your own well-being when there’s so much to be concerned about throughout the span of a day. That’s kind of a lot to think about without breaking it down. But anyway, I’ve had bills to pay for years, so that isn’t new necessarily. Now there is this addition of “Did I do everything at work? How can I improve? Did I make note of such and such??” There’s so much to memorize, a new language to learn, a real world out there to experience.

Even finding an apartment was such a precipitated occurrence. The one I chose wasn’t necessarily the one that would provide me with the most utility (the John Stuart Mill kind of utility, though not necessarily equated to my happiness, just general utility). And to forget to deliberate the utility of an action is SO SO SO unlike me.

I feel so unrecognizable to myself. Facing the mirror and not remembering what you’re going to see is like living in a shroud of self-doubt and deceit.

(This is my best attempt at speaking about what I’m thinking without having to necessitate the need for a private entry, though one will surely follow.)

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