There comes an awkward moment when you realize how silly and naive you really were all along. And I don’t know if I want to cry about it or laugh at myself for what it’s worth. I’d take back every word if I could.

On a different note, everyone in my family is *always* busy every weekend. Or if you’re my mom, you just plain out don’t want to visit me. I called her this morning at 8am after a very strange panicky dream and asked if she wanted to come over this weekend. Her excuse is that she doesn’t like the drive over here. The one and only time she “visited” me she was dropping something off for me and stayed for about 45 minutes. The entire time she complained and complained, and then finally said, “I don’t really want to stay. I’m leaving now.” And it makes me sad to continually ask her/beg her to come over or sleep over.

It’s like that whole thing of mine… I hate convincing people to do anything. I shouldn’t have to because people should do what they want. But then that means that my mother doesn’t want to visit me. And the more attempts I get to mark off every time I ask her the more discouraging it is and the more depressed I get. Should I even have to ask? Now I know I shouldn’t compare but Sandy has someone coming over every. single. weekend. be it family or friends. *sigh*

Me: Hey! Good morning.
Mom: Good morning.
Me: Do you work this weekend?
Mom: …No. Why?
Me: Want to come over and visit me?
Mom: … I hate the drive! I almost die every time. (She gets sleepy in traffic)
Me: Ok. Bye.
Mom: Okay, don’t hang up so rudely! You always do that.
Me: Okay. Have a good weekend. Talk to you later. Bye.
Mom: Bye. I love you.
Me: Ok. *hangs up*

Funny. I hang up that way because if I don’t she’ll beat me to it. What are you supposed to say when your mom rejects you?

It’s definitely me. All me. I remember throwing those ridiculous temper tantrums when I was younger and I do wish i could take all that back. Maybe my relationship with my mother wouldn’t be so bad now if it weren’t for me. Days/nights like this I regret being born.

What good am I to anyone?

Is there a story to tell? For so long E.L. was part of my life. It just occurred to me that I brought him up that one time when I was listening to some of the music he recommended to me. And I brought it up to M.T. and he said it didn’t seem like something I would listen to, which is really dead on.

Oh, I’m feeling rather reminiscent. It’s this novel. Not good, really. Not at all. And I’m just thinking way too much.

I feel strangely adultish with this purse and this attire and the way I’m sitting. Everything about it yells ‘grown person’ … I hate to use the word woman. There’s something about the connotations/expections of the word that keep me from seeing myself as one. My lips are trembling, and tears are forming in my eyes. Why does this happen to me always and only in public? There’s a sadder quality about being out and about than in the comforts of your home that makes those tears just so much more willing to fall.

It seems as though he’s trying to tell me he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore and I’m just not getting it. And I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or if it’s the truth. And I’m starting to dislike who I become when I’m with him and usually that’s the only reason I “like” anyone: because of who I become when I’m with them. A selfish reason, yes, but one nonetheless.

There is some sadness too deep to express even in words. I wish I showed my sadness through my eyes, and the whole world knew there is something underneath worth exploring. I want to change. I want to be someone else. A less helpless-looking version of myself.

I can’t believe my aunts asked me if I’m still taking my medication. My ‘behavior’ was pretty perfect this entire weekend and they thought I’m just “getting better” because of the pills. But I told them I haven’t been taking them for months, which is entirely true.

Right now I feel like walking in front of a moving bus, just to die. Why does my depression get this bad? What’s bothering me? Thoughts come a mile a minute and it makes sense for me to be depressed, but then the moment you ask me, I just don’t know. I don’t know at all.

I feel so lost.

1. trying to suggest things we can do so we can talk again. Fail.

2. people see me as some super serious super-goody-two shoes. mark. jonathan. that’s not who I am. I can be serious, but I can also be really silly and fun. It hurts to think people just don’t know me.

In sitting here alone, eating the dinner I just cooked it occurred to ask myself why exactly it is I’m in college. Not so long ago I got home from an ASPB meeting and event (aka from work), and then got comfortable, and all settled in. The whole washing dishes, cooking dinner part was mildly pleasant and I began to wonder why I couldn’t just live my life like that day to day. You know, out from work and the night is yours.

But no, instead I have to study for my Japanese midterm tomorrow. There’s no way I have time to be online (I’m procrasting atm, tbh), and no way there’s time to just *relax* after a rather semi-eventful day. And I want to relax. I don’t want to have to worry about completing homework, or doing well on the next quiz. There’s definitely a bit of stress right now. Except it’s more like ~a lot, and not just a bit.

Anyway, the logical response I came up with was that I’m here in college taking classes not because I rather be working my ass off than relaxing, as that is not the case at all, but because doing this now will help me do something I enjoy later on in life. And then I’ll be able to relax more comfortably than now (yannoe having money and all… haha). And I know I enjoy college life, but at the same time… I’m getting kind of tired of taking classes and studying nonstop. The whole process of getting homework done is tiring, and bothersome; it’s getting in the way of me simply enjoying my life.

And I’m too young to feel this burnt out, but I am. Not gonna lie, I’m just a tad bit lazy… but really, who wouldn’t rather do fun stuff over homework? Some are more dedicated than others. And it’s honestly just a matter of giving away some ~4 years (or more for grad school) in the hopes of gaining better years in return. But I’ve really just got this urge to go do my own thing and live my life the way I want it. This just isn’t reasonable, though. It’s doable, of course, but it’s not reasonable. I much rather fly with the wind. Maybe I’m too free-spirited for this.

Now there’s the problem of my plan sort of shattering to pieces. The goal was to become a Psych N.P., but now… it’s like… I don’t really care that much anymore. And I’m noticing all reasons why I’d be awful at it, including having to suffer through more years of school after this. If my aspiration is fading away so too will my motivation. And motivation is *always* something I could use more of, tbh. I need to find another aspiration FAST or reacquire my love for those superawesome crazy people. Helphelphelp. What do I do?

I dropped Psych 3 a few minutes ago so that in two weeks I’ll be done with summer school (when Japanese is over) instead of continuing for the entire duration of my vacation time. Maybe all I need is a little break. Time to focus on myself for a little while, and figure things out internally before proceeding.

Now if only I liked Mayra I’m sure she’d understand this feeling… but I don’t really like the girl so too bad for me on that one. What is the source of everyone’s motivation? I need to know, asap status.