Notebooks, Books, Paper

Dear Daniel,

This is hardly the letter you’ve been asking for, much less in the form you were expecting and even lesser — the content. But these are the words I have right now and I feel a need to say them to you and in written form. So here we go.

My Marie Kondo-ing has stopped and for the greater part of a month (maybe more?) I just sort of dropped everything in its place. So I resolved today to continue where I left off, on the category of paper. But what I have the most of is paper. As you well know. So I came across not 1 or 2 diaries, but FIFTEEN! Most of my old diaries are incomplete or blank and even reiterations of one another (as I used to “update” each diary on the same night as if each one were an individual friend).

The oldest diary I found is from 2000. One might be older but I didn’t bother looking at the dates. A lot of writing happened in the year 2001 when I was 12 and mostly I wrote about learning HTML and all my numerous websites and how I was meeting web-designers online, etc.

Most of the diaries can be saved because the majority of the pages are blank and I’m sure I can use some of them… right?? But the almost complete ones… the diaries whose purpose has been fulfilled, I’m finding it extremely hard to let go. I can’t bring myself to throw them away. And I know it’s because I treasure the past so much when I should instead be looking to the future. But memories mean so much to me and I don’t know what to do.

Reading things about my past recalls a time when I was a little bit more unaware of the world, a little more focused on creation and creativity and my most extreme worry was learning tables (now defunct), frames, and Paintshop Pro 7. I just want to be there, in those moments, again. The present feels so wrought with worry that I can’t even express it. The possibility of youth just seems so dwindled I’m even crying right now.

I think the romance in letters only comes from distance. We see each other every day, share our life every day but we have to concern ourselves with dishes, and walking the dog, and real things. Time is moving too quickly. I don’t want to focus on real things — I want to focus on the enjoyment there rarely seems to be time for anymore.

I know they’re just diaries. I know they’re the past. But I like looking back at written history and remembering. All those small insignificant things I wrote about (“I made a friend today,” “I went to Knott’s Berry Farm,” etc.) seem so much more monumental because I otherwise would never have remembered. And my appreciation for those captured memories is too great.

It’s hard living a minimal life. But I know once I get rid of some of these excesses then it will be easier to focus on the present and to an extent, look to the future to find my joy. For example, instead of being inundated by 200 books, if I had a collection of 20 it would be easier to go pick out a book and say, “Ah I know this is something I am going to enjoy reading.” The less mess there is to sort through, the easier the joy. But I’m just afraid some treasure will get mixed in with the mess. And I just can’t continue on. I’m far too emotional about paper. It feels like I’m throwing away every accomplishment and with it comes a fear that I will have no new accomplishments.

It’s funny how much more easily I am able to toss anything and everything else into the garbage but paper, but that’s because I know hardly anything else in this life is rare. There exists countless other copies and versions of just about everything. But not my personal past. That is unique and it cannot be replicated. But it can be forgotten. I don’t want to forget. Little else captures memories like the written form. Not even photos do that for me.

I need lessons in letting go. Or a storage plan for the past.

Yesterday I went to see Mr. Holmes finally. It’s about Sherlock Holmes, in a retired state, attempting to recall his last case but he is unable. He is senile and dying. This is something like my fear: not being able to remember something important. Because 10 years from now, 20, 30 years — how do you know what will have been important? Sherlock regrets not having written the story of his last case sooner and only through much hardship does he finally recall the last of his work. (I was almost in the theater alone and then some really old man came in. Apropos.)

Anyway, I’ll see you later tonight. We might have to change the movie we watch tonight but with so many great films out right now I think we’ll be OK.


A Box of Surprises

My aunt’s coming over in a few hours (one-two abouts), and so I’m doing some extra cleaning on top of my usual cleaning to make it look presentable. Anyway, I’ve had this really pretty box for a while, and it was given to me by my aunt to put a goal inside. Well, it’s safe to say I’m not using the box for that… I’ve been meaning to put all the cards and letters I’ve ever received into it instead of the Tinkerbell bag they’re in now. I kept forgetting and etc., but finally~ today! I went into my stuff and got them out. I knew sorting through them would be fun, funny, but also … certain letters that’d be hidden away in there.

I found some letters from my ex-bf while he was away for Navy training. *turns super red* *groans* And yeah, I knew I had to open them up again to read them. My memory is awful, as everyone ~should~ know, and yeah forgot what they said, really. Anyway, I’mma just post a snippet real quick aites?

“Anyway, bored and waiting for graduation on the 26th of January. Hard to believe it’s only about 5 weeks away. Just got to keep the positive attitude and keep everyone else in line. Well just waiting to see you, especially in a dress”

– HOLD IT! He never had a positive attitude, but that aside this makes me turn red. I feel real bad. Will explain. (He was talking about a wedding…)

“… wishing to be sleeping in your arms.
– Mr. Moodypants”

-ARGH. I had forgotten about that nickname.

The whole thing about this that makes me all nervous-ish and weird-ish is the fact that III ever had emotions for someone else and *gasp* they did, too? It’s almost enough to make me nauseous. I’m terribly uncomfortable with lovey-dovey emotions and it’s just… WEIRD. I feel like I’m reading someone else’s “love-letters” and INTRUDING. I can’t really put in words how it makes me feel, but my face is still real red. Anyway, the reason III feel bad is because you know… I’m the one that just RANDOMLY one day “cut” the relationship. Like seriously. AWKWARD STATUS. *mumbles*

I better go finish cleaning before I get caught up on ze computer. ^_^;;


Dear Money,

Let me have you. A lot of you. Though be aware that once I have you I will use you, and frequently. There are things I want atm!!

  • Moleskine notebook (large, plain paper)
  • More ink for calligraphy pens
  • Holga
  • 120 Film
  • Polaroid camera
  • A toooon of film for Polaroid camera since it is no longer in production!
  • To Write Love On Her Arms hoodie

Is this really too much to ask of you? Reply back to me asap, thanks.

Material Girl

Visiting France

Dearest Me,

I love how spontaneous I am. (: Mm, hate how I spend so much money all the time, but… that almost can’t be helped. Impulsive. Compulsive. Lalala. Anyway, keeping this positive!

Originally we were going to go to Ventura for the day, but I was so extremely tired from working the show last night that I didn’t want to travel that far. So Nefi and I decided to have breakfast here in FT and then reformulate a plan. Basically we decided to go to State St., but we planned to stay away from State St., if that makes sense.

Early in the day I made two goals; one was to take a picture of a complete stranger, and secondly, to take a picture of an animal. Less than a minute after making the former goal (made these separately) I started to take a photo of these amazingly pretty pink flowers, but some French guy (with a sexy accent) got in front of my camera and jokingly asked to be in my picture. He practically offered to be the stranger in my photo so I told him, “Okay! Really, can I take your picture?” (: I did, and Nefi was in the picture, too. Afterward we had a quick conversation and we shook hands. It was pretty bomb! (Will come back to the latter goal)

Taking the back streets nearer the residential areas we found so much pretty and rather interesting architecture. So I snapped away and took pics. Mm, and then! I found a Paul Mitchell school salon!! Isn’t that amazing? I sure know I have gone back home a few times just to dye my hair. Now I don’t have to anymore! Sweetness.

Nefi and I wandered back to the main street, State, and decided to get Rite Aid ice-cream! Earlier in the day I had called our hanging out time Chocolate and Vanilla time. Lol… but what’s funny is that I don’t like vanilla. So anyway, we were chatting about how fun it is hanging out and Nefi said we complement each other. haha… I looked at our ice-cream and mine was chocolate and hers vanilla. So yeahyeah I started laughing and pointing at our skin color and ice-cream (‘cus that’s how we joke around).

There are these 25cent buses that go down State St. and Nefi proposed we take one considering there was nothing else to do. So we did!! And we went down to the wharf and walked all the way down the pier. Down the pier there was a small boat that we decided to get on. Wow, so much fun! And this is where my animal goal comes in. I didn’t end up taking a pic of say, a dog or anything, but seals! (: A much more interesting animal indeed!!

For all the fun we had we spent under $5 today. 0: That’s just incredible to me. >_x I typically spend so much money, but I told Nefi I needed to stop spending money so we strayed farfarfar away from all the clothes stores.

Oooh!! I found a photography store, though. They sold holgas there… and lots of other amazing camera goodies. I nearly died of excitement, but reminded myself I couldn’t buy anything. Agh, it was so hard because I’ve been wanting a holga for a while now. >_>; Just thinking about it gets my heart beating a tad bit faster. xD;

When we got back Nefi made me spaghetti! (: ‘Twas very delicious! Thanks darlinggg<3 xD Haha… we were talking about how Raymond and Rona ought to go on a date together because they’re both jealous that she and I have been spending time together. >_x Like, seriously? We can have other friends, too!! Oh wells. People will feel as they feel.


(lol, yeah, sounds like “I love me,” and atm, life is good!)