Aug
31

But all the paper said when I was done is…

Restlessness is one of my signature traits. Maybe fickle. Maybe capricious. Furniture constantly gets switched around in my apartment, my hair color changes more often than the seasons, and my living location is now the source of my frustration. Don’t get me wrong – I love Long Beach. The relaxed beach vibe permeates the city but there’s also this great night life buzz. There is so much going on in Long Beach and I have not even explored a fraction of the city with all its local eats and hangs and entertainment. But increasingly I feel this distance from “the city” – the city of Los Angeles proper. Not that I would want to live anywhere downtown (that’s just scary), but closer to where I feel “everything” is located. Los Angeles is about 30 minutes away, maybe more with traffic. It is still just a simple drive away… but I feel so drawn to it. Even the thought of moving to the very classy city of Pasadena seems appealing.

These cities – Santa Monica, Pasadena, Los Angeles (La Brea area), they all have these special vibes, their own cultures, etc. Once I moved I would only miss or yearn for another city. I know that about myself.

My only constant is change.

The thought that things don’t meet my expectations is untrue. Long Beach more than lives up to my thoughts about it. But I feel so… restless, unhappy with the stability.

My life can always be described with the words:

The Greek word, eros, denotes want, lack. The desire for that which is missing. The lover wants what it does not have. It is by definition impossible for him to have what he wants. If… as soon as it is had… it is no longer wanted.

How many times have I quoted those lines on this blog? Many many many times. I always want and want and want. Not necessarily want MORE, I just WANT all the time. For the sake of wanting. I need these wants fulfilled though soon after it means nothing.

Rarely is something enough. Not because it does not satisfy me… but because the satisfaction is so temporary. My mind craves new experiences all the time. “Accomplishments are transient,” right?

accomplishments are transient
they pull me in unremittingly
just lasting this long, I feel relieved
let repetition save me

I always turn a real-life problem into this lyrical, obscure, vague mass.

Aug
28

Start Thinking.

I like this new WordPress theme because it has the option of going to random entries. Rereading past emotions is… bizarre. Everything that ever happened to me happened so long ago. I grew up, and along with that I stopped thinking. The difference between a 17 year old and a 22 year old?

When you’re 17 there’s nothing to do, just a lot to think about. When you’re 22 there’s nothing to think about, just a lot to do.

I hate that I have stopped thinking. But at the same time I literally have nothing to express anymore. My mother doesn’t abuse me anymore. I’m not as lost, conflicted, and in pain anymore. I’m not loving someone that does not love me anymore. In fact, it feels like I live in an emotionless pit of taking it a day at a time. WORK. SLEEP. WORK. SLEEP. It’s a never-ending repetition of that.

This has got to be the most boring entry ever. I have nothing going on, no dreams, no aspirations, no thoughts.

Sep
23

Light the Incense

Usually there’s something worth moping about. My classic black Oxford booties are gorgeous, make me taller, and provide a chic menswear-inspired feminine touch to my life. They make me feel like an adult. And that’s what I’ve wanted all my life. My apartment exudes the most wonderful energy. My legs are buttery smooth (as a random side note of goodness). Paramore’s new album, ‘brand new eyes’ makes me want to dance, but so does everything else. I feel like an adult. This is dramatic and HUGE. I finally feel at home.

There are no better words to describe what I mean.

Let’s enjoy life.

Sep
14

This Heat

It’s making me nervous how every day feels the same
Meet my phantoms, they never seem to want to go away
So they stay

There have been several real-life to-my-face complaints regarding my blog as of late. Those that have stumbled back to my blog have started asking me why I’m not writing anything with personal denotations. Technically, my entries had personal connotations thrown in, but this seems to not be enough for anyone. I wasn’t sure anyone cared, I wasn’t sure I wanted to write. Scratch that, I was still writing so as not to forget the existence of my blog, but personal matters are the furthest from my mind when it comes to writing right now because it’s what I deal with on the daily.

I found a good place for everyone I know to come and rest
All I ever wanted is for everyone I know to come and rest
Meet my Phantoms

Officially, my third year of college starts in a week and a half though I’ve been a junior for many months now. I’m still very much confused about school but the best action is inaction; I continue to unquestioningly enroll and attend my classes despite not liking the direction I am headed. Given recent developments I want to come back home, take a break from school… do something real. Let’s not get hasty, though. Inaction is the best action.

How’s your body, how clean is your soul?
Why are you trying to steal my thoughts before they talk?
Fall right in, let’s talk Maurice
If everything’s fine, then what are you waiting for?

Summer flew me by. Many problems arose. Lots of hangs went down. Transient accomplishments. Vague emotions. Music discoveries. And a heavy dose of forced independence.

Let’s end with: A strong sense of helplessness.

(It’s all about waiting it out.)

Jun
16

Random Facts About Me

I’m writing this because I’m frustrated. And lists help me, mentally.

  • The only thing I’ve eaten today is a bag of peanut M&Ms.
  • The reason for this is because my aunt and I are too similar. Neither of us particularly likes the time it takes to cook. And as a result she has no food in the house.
  • The housekeeper cooks on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but she barely started cooking (12:13pm) and I’m kinda hungry…
  • My birth certificate has my name as Adela Brigitte De Soto Menendez. This is way too fucking long.
  • The double last name is very problematic to my life.
  • My name on my California ID takes up two lines.
  • As if having two last names weren’t complicated enough, my first last name has a SPACE in it. In people’s databases (at the bank, when I’m making a hair appointment), I can never be found because they never type my name with a space even after I’ve said it. So I have to explain to them, “D-E-SPACE-that’s important-S-O-T-O” “Ah, there’s your account.” ~No really??~
  • I had to call the bank 4x to get my name changed. My credit card had De Soto as my last name and my checking/savings account had Menendez DESPITE the fact that both cards have typed on them De Soto.
  • This led to me not having access to my credit card through online banking because the last name was different, and thus didn’t recognize me as owning both accounts.
  • My father’s last name is NOT even De Soto. It’s SOTO, non-complicated. But somehow there was a mixup at my birth and I ended up with De Soto, and also with my mother’s maiden name attached to it.
  • After getting my accounts settled online the man did something SUPER bootleg. He deleted my middle initial, B, and made my middle initials DE, and set my last name as SOTO.
  • I have a feeling I’m going to experience many struggles purchasing things online when they ask me to input my name.
  • I go by my middle name because I hate my first name getting pronounced UH-DELL-UH. UH is not my favorite sound. It’s AH-DEL-AH. ADELA, in Spanish.
  • That is why I think names like Adelaide, Adelaida, and Adelyn are all very pretty. They don’t have the dreaded UH sound.
  • My middle name is even more complicated than my first name. It’s Brigitte. NOT BRIDGET. I’m not a damn bridge. Think in French.
  • And since no one can say my middle name in French, I just go by “BRI – short just like me.”
  • That’s literally how I introduce myself to people. I keep it memorable.
  • I want to change my name to Brigitte Menendez. France and Spain, joined in perfect harmony.

Do you have anything that is super problematic to your life?

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