Sep
05

you failed to feel delight.

There’s a serious lack of focus in my life right now. But maybe I’m thinking that’s the case after a weekend spent smoking a whole lot of mota.

I miss thinking about guys. OR GUY, rather. Let’s not make me out to be some classy ho. I just want a man in life… whether online or real life. I don’t even care… I just miss the presence of conversation. My brain is dying without any intellectual stimulation via male friend. Geezus, I sound so desperate. But I miss that side of myself that spoke in witty circles and …

Ugh, I don’t know. I’m annoyed. There are too many things to say. And I just don’t know how to say any of them… But above all, I miss him. Always him. IT KILLS ME. I just want to be back in New York where it was freezing cold. How unrelated. My brain is scattereddddd. Too much mota does that shit to you.

I miss rushing, checking, messaging, blushing, laughing, calling, feeling.

Somehow this feels like saying, “I miss the 90s” because no matter how great that decade was, it’s gone forever and it’s never coming back. Nostalgia really sucks.

Jun
30

The Salon

Is greater jealousy a sign of greater love?

Questions like the one above were asked in 17th and 18th century Salons in France in which the upperclass spent their days. The question was posed to me and my classmates by my professor yesterday in my French 50BX class (literature class).

Many people are inclined to say no to the question. I think my opinion is similar, but I do believe that jealousy in moderation reaffirms a great love. Someone said, in class yesterday, that jealousy meant you didn’t trust your lover. I completely disagree with that; it assumes that jealousy gives rise to distrust and I don’t believe that’s the case. What I believe is that a little jealousy is healthy and common. It’s perfectly natural to feel like your love is yours and yours alone. That’s the purpose of marriage after all – fidelity – so why shouldn’t they be all yours? That twinge of jealousy just means you feel a sense of urgency and danger, and we are animals that feel threatened naturally.

Though I’ve never been “in love” so I can’t speak from experience about any of this. All I can ever do is make my best through-introspection guess.

Dec
08

In The Mood For Love

I’m not the sort of person who falls in and quickly out of love
But to you I gave my affection right from the start

During this very crucial time when I should be studying I have been hanging out with friends every day! Lmao… we haven’t hung out this much all year and all of a sudden we’re all dying to see each other and do some fun activities. Okay like really, we haven’t played video games all year and out of nowhere we’ve been playing Resident Evil (on Wii), DDR, and Guitar Hero 3. Lmao… like really now? And yet… the days are so fun I wouldn’t have it any other way!

My mood is much improved. I feel happy. And on a more random note: I feel womanly. I feel sexy. SAY WHAT? *nods* Yeah, it’s true. I don’t know if it’s the new clothes, or just… a different state of mind but I feel like an ADULT. This is some huge milestone for me! I’ll bask in it while it lasts. ^_^

All my music makes me want to dance. All my friends are amazing. Everything is wonderful!! (:

We had Chinese last night from Fortune Garden. Delicious! And let me tell you, I absolutely adore eating with chopsticks. It comes so much more natural to me. And I felt trendy! ^-^;

David came back yesterday! He makes me SO SO SO happy! Mm, sure I wish we were as close as we were in high-school but it’s alright… we’re somewhat different people now. Anyway, his laugh is contagious and I well up with joy when I hear it. And his laugh makes me laugh and it’s this one big happy mess~!!

In_the_mood_for_love.jpg

A few days ago I watched “In The Mood For Love,” a Chinese movie. It was one of the saddest movies, really. A man and woman (pictured above) move in next to each other and they find out their spouses are cheating together. They vow not to be like their cheating spouses and to remain honest. I don’t want to give anything away but it’s such a sad progression.

There’s also a “loose sequel” to “In The Mood…” called “2046″ and I didn’t think things could get sadder, but oh they did. “2046″ tells what happens to Chow Mo-wan (guy above) afterward and how he deals with the memory of past love. While that is the main theme of the movie, I also felt another major theme was giving up on love. I honestly cried during the movie, I was so touched and torn and hurt. And then again when I went to bed I randomly just started bawling. Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever been touched by any movie prior to these two. 

Please watch these movies! ^_^

Off to do other things now!

(I want to fall in love♥)

Nov
15

Twilight

So last night after watching Role Models with ze Rony dearest (and watching the Twilight preview) I knew instantly I was going to give in and read that blasted Twilight series. Out of some slight fear of disliking the books (very slight), I only bought the first two of four. And so, sitting at Borders, I began my descent into the world of the Twilight series. Immediately I was taken in and completely absorbed.

Rony wasn’t having much luck finding a book to her liking so we were only there a little bit under and hour and we headed back home, but not without the book on my mind already. We go home, attempted to watch a A.I. but since I’d watched it a million and one times I couldn’t bare to go through it again. So instead I rushed off to the bedroom and kept reading. And reading. And reading. Until finally it was 5am and my contacts were starting to annoy me. Regardless I woke up after a few hours and finished it. (: I am done with book 1!

As I was reading… I could feel my heart stuck in my throat, and I could only barely breathe. There was such an overwhelming sense of attraction to Edward Cullen I didn’t know what to do with myself (uh… that sounds wrong, a lil’ bit ey?) So badly I yearned to wake up Rona and squeal like a little romanced child. His bodily and facial perfection were enough to drive me mad. Edward’s ever-changing temperament was enough to satiate my need for perpetual excitement, a really delightful feeling. From him, no reaction was ever expected and I loved how he progressed through anger, confusion, humor, and happiness so very quickly. The words for my adoration for him came much more easily at the first signs of morning and now I’m more speechless than anything.

In a small way, Edward made me feel as though I could feel again. And for a short while (the few hours it took me to read and finish the book) I wanted to love someone so passionately as Bella loved Edward. I even believed I was capable of it! Maybe I will be some day… And admittedly at one point I had to stop reading, just stop because I could hardly take it! There was only one person on my mind with whom I wanted to share my emotions.

Oh Edward, Edward, how can you be doing this to me?

*is so stoked for the first movie*

Editz: Lolol…. :(

[06:55] xportrait bruise: i miss edward
[06:55] survivorulez23: omggg
[06:55] survivorulez23: lol
[06:55] xportrait bruise: i’m not kidding
[06:55] xportrait bruise: didya read my blog?
[06:55] xportrait bruise: he sparked in me some longing to LOVE someone
[06:55] xportrait bruise: *sigh*
[06:55] xportrait bruise: and now i feel hopelessly empty inside
[06:56] survivorulez23: aww thats emo!
[06:56] survivorulez23: :-(
[06:56] xportrait bruise: I KNOW
[06:56] survivorulez23: well edward loves you
[06:56] xportrait bruise: that’s why i miss him
[06:56] xportrait bruise: uhm
[06:56] xportrait bruise: he loves BELLE
[06:56] survivorulez23: you miss him??
[06:56] xportrait bruise: fucking bastard
[06:56] survivorulez23: read the second book
[06:56] survivorulez23: lol
[06:56] xportrait bruise: miss him in the sense that i need to read more of what happens
[06:56] survivorulez23: i heard he slices her throat open and calls her a bitch!
[06:56] xportrait bruise: but…. if i finish the second i don’t have the third or fourth yet
[06:57] survivorulez23: thats true
[06:57] xportrait bruise: FIND ME SOMEONE THAT LOVES ME
[06:57] xportrait bruise: ):
[06:57] survivorulez23: harry potter?
[06:57] survivorulez23: idk!
[06:57] xportrait bruise: EW
[06:57] xportrait bruise: he’s a damn dirty guy
[06:57] xportrait bruise: fuck that
[06:57] xportrait bruise: fuck that shit
[06:57] xportrait bruise: oh hell no
[06:58] survivorulez23: but he wants you ;-)
[06:58] xportrait bruise: he sexes horses. haven’t you heard?
[06:58] survivorulez23: lol well…
[06:58] survivorulez23: jk jk
[06:58] xportrait bruise: *laughing so hard irl right nao*
[06:58] xportrait bruise: i know you can hear me!!

Nov
08

Eros (A Short Entry!)

I do love philosophy. Eros, as defined by Marina in an episode of The L Word.

The Greek word, eros, denotes want, lack. The desire for that which is missing. The lover wants what it does not have. It is by definition impossible for him to have what he wants. If… as soon as it is had… it is no longer wanted.

You KNOW something is philosophical once you start using phrases like “by definition”… lmao. I feel so giddy and happy inside at this precise moment. It is 2:01am and I’m only cold, but not sleepy.

Anyway, I say the fun is in the chase. Why want anything at all if it is so easy to get?

Let me not get started. Rambling (philosophically) at 2 in the morning is not the best thing to do… I shall just continue to enjoy this episode.

Goodnight.

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