Lost Lovers

Because there’s a the Soil & the Sun song for everything these days.

I’m lost and you are my lover
I call your name
I’m led by the lure of your lyre
Into your inner chamber

I’m faint and you are forever
I go astray
I walk by the light of your fire
Would you follow me into the darkness?

This heavy sorrow mine
With every sadness thine
To carry through all time
Will be our joie de vivre

I sink and you are the river
I drift away
I drink of the life in your water
Would you carry me out of the darkness?

This heavy sorrow mine
With every sadness thine
To carry through all time
Will be our joie de vivre

Travel Hymn.

Circa Survive’s “Travel Hymn”

It came across like you were mad
Holding in your breath with everything you had
Until your face began to turn red
“This is why I turn and walk away from everything”
I need to feel it closer now.
“This is why I turn and walk away from everything”
I never thought it’d be like this

Between the seal a church is revealed.
And I would rather be…

Lonely along the way
Something set us off into the wrong direction
but within this particular space,
Time goes to waste.
Time goes to waste…
Time goes to waste…
Time goes…

It came across like you were mad,
Holding in your breath with everything you had…
Until your face began to turn red.

Between the seal a church is revealed
And I would rather be…

Lonely along the way
Something set us off into the wrong direction
but within this particular space…

Time starts to slow down
and all of these patterns never change.
So slow down,
’cause nobody looks at life the same.
And no one was like this ’til you came along
and reset our dials all wrong.

Lonely along the way
Something set us off into the wrong direction
but within this particular space,
Time goes to waste.

Lonely along the way
Something set us off into the wrong direction
but within this particular space,
Time goes to waste.

forfeit liberty

Shake off the chills, just don’t look into his eyes
(Keep your head down)
Think of all the things
They told you he did that were so wrong
This last ounce of love is what kept you so inspired.

You lost yourself along the way
Gave into temptation
Enslaved by a false list of values
You try so hard to keep to

I miss my old life. I said it then and I still think it now – my life was perfect. Oh someone take me back to April 10, 2012. I would do it all over again. I would just have to know then what I know now. Saddest inaudible sigh of all time.

From one year to the next I’ve grown in so many ways. I’ve evolved. Emotionally, physically, mentally. I have learned a great deal of things. I’m not sure I can even consider myself the same person. Sometimes stepping away can give you clarity. And sometimes experiencing things you don’t want to experience can change you, for the better.

S has taught me a lot about myself as well. I can’t help but to think that some of this positive change can be attributed to him. I know he hasn’t really actively been trying to teach me anything about positive change, but our interactions have made me so much stronger. And by stronger, I don’t mean stronger in personality; truly, I mean quite the opposite. S has taught me patience, learning to wait, learning to speak respectfully and in turn, and so much more. In other words, I’ve learned how to be submissive. My aggression and anger have considerably lessened. My capriciousness has lessened as well, I hope. Well… that’s still a work in progress. I’ve created a set of rules for myself (in a sense) and I find myself feeling quite liberated being under his care and under the care of rules/principles to live by. But generally I’m learning to be pleasing, pleasant. To me, this is one of the most valuable skills anyone can learn: to be pleasing. It’s politeness, really. And feeling pleasure from pleasing. I’m also learning to obey (working on obeying without question).

For example, now, when Mom tells me to do something, I just do it. There is no argument. There is no, “but why?” There is only obedience and feeling okay by completing something small, maybe insignificant, but that will bring the other person a lot of pleasure. Pleasure in my company, in my obedience, in my general agreeable nature.

This is definitely not something I had before. At all.

So I just feel I’m learning.

My present position somewhat uses this ability, too.  There’s nothing worse than an employee that says, “I can’t because I’m doing x, y, z.” Instead it’s far more pleasant to say, “Yes, I’ll do x, just quickly finishing y.” No one should feel the stress you’re feeling even if you’re doing five different things. One other manager always says, “I’m doing this already” when General Manager requests assistance. Me? There is no refusal. You can never refuse your boss. You just adjust accordingly. You need to be able to assist them when they need you otherwise they wouldn’t be asking for assistance! Being invaluable in this way, and being able to get things done is of utmost importance.

The same applied to my previous office job. But I didn’t have the same mindset. I felt like I was being treated poorly when instead I should have considered myself a valuable asset for even being capable of assisting. What seemed like a mindless task that the salesman could have done was actually just a small thing that I could help them not have to think about when they were doing all these other things. But instead I would get angry in this, “can’t you do it yourself?” kind of way. And why yes they probably could have, but if I can be of some value, I will be far more pleasing.

All of these things I have learned over the past few months. It’s taken me from aggressive to submissive. But submission requires strength to put the needs of others above your own in the sense that it will fulfill my needs to fulfill theirs. As in, PAYCHECK, if I fulfill the needs of others, which fulfills my life needs. It’s such a bizarre and new-found freedom to submit to someone else.

Now if only I can learn to command more respect. But that’s a whole other skill that I have yet to acquire. It requires learning how to phrase things so people feel useful, not used. Because not everyone is submissive. And not everyone can realize that just saying YES is a much more positive thing rather than making excuses or not taking the EFFORT to accommodate a simple request. Life would be so much simpler if people just respected one another.

But I feel that I’ve found some kind of zen or something with this new mindset. Because I love the benefits I receive as a result of my submission, I think it will suffice to keep me inspired to continue pursuing it.

Is this really my new personality or am I taking on something that’s really going to be very hard to keep to?

Moonie mentioned to me she wasn’t used to seeing me so submissive (I was with a guy). I think I’m very strong, personally. But when it comes to men… I prefer to relinquish that control I cling onto so dearly in my own life when I’m alone. In other words, I need control exercised over me. And I don’t necessarily have to be the one with that control, though I have for so long. I value Moonie’s opinion over most though. And despite the fact she doesn’t quite label her relationship she’s a total Domme. And her boyfriend is completely submissive. And it works. And it’s really quite perfect. And I love observing it. There’s complete mutual respect but she tells him her needs and he fulfills them, without question. It makes my heart pitter-patter. I want to be able to fulfill someone’s needs just like that.

But all the paper said when I was done is…

Restlessness is one of my signature traits. Maybe fickle. Maybe capricious. Furniture constantly gets switched around in my apartment, my hair color changes more often than the seasons, and my living location is now the source of my frustration. Don’t get me wrong – I love Long Beach. The relaxed beach vibe permeates the city but there’s also this great night life buzz. There is so much going on in Long Beach and I have not even explored a fraction of the city with all its local eats and hangs and entertainment. But increasingly I feel this distance from “the city” – the city of Los Angeles proper. Not that I would want to live anywhere downtown (that’s just scary), but closer to where I feel “everything” is located. Los Angeles is about 30 minutes away, maybe more with traffic. It is still just a simple drive away… but I feel so drawn to it. Even the thought of moving to the very classy city of Pasadena seems appealing.

These cities – Santa Monica, Pasadena, Los Angeles (La Brea area), they all have these special vibes, their own cultures, etc. Once I moved I would only miss or yearn for another city. I know that about myself.

My only constant is change.

The thought that things don’t meet my expectations is untrue. Long Beach more than lives up to my thoughts about it. But I feel so… restless, unhappy with the stability.

My life can always be described with the words:

The Greek word, eros, denotes want, lack. The desire for that which is missing. The lover wants what it does not have. It is by definition impossible for him to have what he wants. If… as soon as it is had… it is no longer wanted.

How many times have I quoted those lines on this blog? Many many many times. I always want and want and want. Not necessarily want MORE, I just WANT all the time. For the sake of wanting. I need these wants fulfilled though soon after it means nothing.

Rarely is something enough. Not because it does not satisfy me… but because the satisfaction is so temporary. My mind craves new experiences all the time. “Accomplishments are transient,” right?

accomplishments are transient
they pull me in unremittingly
just lasting this long, I feel relieved
let repetition save me

I always turn a real-life problem into this lyrical, obscure, vague mass.