A Quick Evaluation of Self

“Don’t you miss me?”
“What’s there to miss?”

“Can we go to Griffith Park like the good ol’ days? Just ‘cus I’m 20 doesn’t mean I can’t be like in the good ol’ days.”
“No, you can come over. But you can’t ask for things. But you can come visit.”

I’m wondering where I went horribly wrong. She called me to ask me how I’m doing with money and if I would like for her to transfer some money to my account. But then I told her I’m not going home because no one ever comes to visit me (since the reason she called was asking why I hadn’t been over in a while). Even my aunt, she called me yesterday to see how I was doing. And she said she misses me, so I told her that if she does she could come visit me. She said no.

This is going to be a year-long grudge. I’ll call them all on their birthdays (except Elvia) to wish them happy birthdays, but I’m not going over to celebrate with them. They didn’t come here to celebrate with me. And George didn’t call me until 7pm. So… whatever. He’ll get a very late phone call from me on his birthday. Year-long grudge. And my grudges usually don’t even last a day.

Her rude remarks followed by my swift goodbyes and then she tells me she loves me, repeatedly. At this moment in time, I don’t love you. You’re such a bitch! Ugh. I’m typing… and I’m getting over it as we speak.

There are two separate topics in this entry, I just realized.

I’m not going home for spring break. I have plenty to do here. So much reading, writing, etccccc. It’s all good. Ugh. I’m okay with her just giving me some money here and there. That’s an okay relationship. It works.

Ugh, geez… I hope there are some YouTube videos to watch to help me lighten up my mood. (: And after all I am going on my super amazing shopping spree come Friday!!! So it is super okay. ^_^

Edit: You know, I was at a park today and I thought of my mom. It made me want to spend time with her. It made me miss my family. I can only take so much negativity. I seriously don’t know where I went wrong.

What happens when he doesn’t love you?

Title just a little bit of a thought. Most movies and novels portray people falling in love… So long as one person takes an interest the other person is just bound to reciprocate the emotion. There’s like 0 chance of failure. I don’t know… it bothers me.

So why am I blogging nonstop? I have a lot to say and no one to say it to, that’s why. Writing out my silly little thoughts is the one and only escape during a time when my thoughts run rampant (cold seasons).

So if you don’t mind
I think I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve,
‘Cause I’m tired of not being able to bleed.

My mother keeps emailing and calling for me to go home for Thanksgiving now that she knows I don’t want to go since she made me feel so unwelcome. To explain the situation she basically said we don’t get along so she hopes I don’t come over for the weekends to torture her. Then I said that [if that was the case] then I wouldn’t be going for Thanksgiving. And then she realized she sort of fcked up. She tried calling me, and I just said I wasn’t going and she launched into a stream of insults about how I like to make myself a victim. *sigh* Okay, I did NOT go around calling any family members for some sort of support or backing or anything. I know better than to try to get them to side with me over my mother. They just don’t get involved (much to my disappointment). So how am I making myself out to be a goddamn victim?! I’m not *looking* actively for any sort of sympathy.

Anyway, so yesterday she transferred money into my bank account and emailed me telling me so. Let it be known she does not pay for a single cent of my college education. She is completely uninvolved in my life, basically. So I emailed her back, “Thanks, I appreciate it.” What poor college student doesn’t appreciate money, right? That was that. Then she emails me again today, rather suspiciously optimistically and cheerfully, that she hopes I make it and how we can go shopping on Friday, and something about getting me an early Christmas present.

I haven’t replied yet. *sigh* If I go it’s like saying, “Yeah you can insult me all you want and you can still get your way!” Going would be like giving in and showing that I’m not entirely serious in saying something like “I am not going home for the holiday then.” And she will have won. But I feel bad because she keeps asking me to go now. Sure, any readers out there can think, “Oh she feels bad now, you should go,” but it’s not that simple! This woman abused me throughout my childhood – physically, verbally, emotionally – and I don’t know how much more I can take. And my little brother really wants me to go. For him, I should just go right? Ugh… but I don’t want her to WIN and get her way yet again.

But it will also set a nasty precedent if I don’t go. I may not go for winter break then if I don’t go for Thanksgiving. What will have changed from one holiday to the next right?

All signs are pointing to: Take the abuse and forget about it. Keep coming back for more. Always. (If I’m ever in a relationship I swear I won’t be surprised if it’s an abusive one.)

I’m so fucked. *sigh* I don’t knooooow.

The Heart of Everything

Lately I’ve been feeling this constant anxiety. And the return of my depression. At full force. Let’s see if I can dissect my emotions, yes? Though when you FEEL it’s really difficult to describe that inner turmoil in words.

Let’s move past the problem with my mother. I’m not going home for Thanksgiving. I’m not wanted. Yadda yadda yadda. This is one subject I don’t want to talk so much about that it’s boring, played out, etc. etc. Let me just say that things will never change between us. ACCEPTED. Heard her so loud and clear it’s painfully obvious. Oh hey so then why do I keep trying? It’s almost like I take some sort of sick pleasure in being rejected and hated on. Trust me that’s not the case. Each and every time it hurts so bad, I wish I could die.

Hm, I’m getting really sleepy. I haven’t eaten anything in two days. But I have been drinking lots of liquids so I’m still taking in something, whatever small amount of calories that may be. To balance it off, though, I haven’t been doing any really intense movement beside bike to/from class. That does take some of my energy… which I re-energize with more sleep. It works. One small bite and I’d be full. Food isn’t really necessary.

Yawn. Okay, maybe hanging out here at The Hub was not so great an idea. My bed, which feels all too familiar these days, sounds so comforting and tempting right about now. Zzz tired. Let me go on, though.

Well! I just got sidetracked for the last 20-ish minutes. My brain is all over da place!

Blarghhhh some girl doesn’t get Philosophy of Mind and she wants help with her essays. *angry face* Why I gotta help? It makes me feel as though I am donating a part of my knowledge onto her essays. Me wants all my knowledge for MY OWN essays.

Oh yes. There is one more issue, and it’s kinda KEELING me softly. Ripping me to shreds more like… but *yawns again from exhaustion* I don’t want to discuss this even with myself. OH BUT IT’S ABOUT THIS GUY FRIEND. Ex-friend? Whatever. Something like that.

Sowwy for da casual writing style. It helps me make this *not* so srs. I get really annoyed by my own over-dramatic-ness. For serious.

Side note: I hate all the typos on CNN. Wake up people! Everyone’s watching your news. Asdf.

What brings you closer to complete?

I finished my stats hw at 7pm after which I promptly got out all my Japanese hw to start… way early, I know! Typically this stuff doesn’t get done until near bedtime or even in the morning (since class isn’t until 11am). But 30 minutes past the hour I looked down at my hw and I realized I hadn’t even started it. There’s too much on my mind.

Maybe the reason why I have such a bad memory is because I don’t like memories. They make me sad.

Wow, okay so i was just wringing my hands together from slight anxiety at the thought of typing this next bit:

I don’t want to say I’m depressed because 1) it may not be true [yet] 2) it’s admitting a problem 3) it’s a weakness. Whenever I think of professing some really serious emotion on my blog I instantly think of a scenario (that actually did happen once) where I’m happy for a long period of time and then the next day I’m miserable. And someone (anyone) reads my blog, but only the entry in which I profess depression and then they see me as weak, vulnerable, a sad pathetic person, etc. It’s like… you missed out on all the good days! Why come on the day that I portray myself as depressed? This actually happened and it was pretty embarrassing for me. Life has been great… it really has, so I don’t want to go around chanting depression.

Except yeah… well I don’t know. I’m breaking down a little bit. Things are starting to get to me. I anger easily. Everything is depressing, no matter which way I spin it. Memories are hurting me. UGH. This is so not pleasant.

Honestly, I’m *trying* to focus on homework but thoughts are coming in waaay too fast and too many. The return to normalcy is so tempting, if only it were that easy! I want to be able to do a simple task and FOCUS without all these depressing thoughts.

And I’m thinking long-term again. Always a bad thing. Always. My future looks bleak, that’s for sure. But if I don’t think about it I can live day by day and it’s okay.

Everyone else is everything that I’m not.

Internal conflict. I’m fighting two different thoughts in my head. Should I go home for Thanksgiving? Should I not? Reasons for both. UGH. Mother kept asking me why I was at the new house (she’s not making me feel welcome, and something like, “When you first went to college you weren’t living with me so why do you want to come here now?”), but then if I don’t go for a holiday of course I will be the rude one and then everyone will be mad at me. Why am I thinking this far ahead in advance? It’s 20 some such days away.

Sheesh, it’s almost like I give myself things to stress about.

Empty fields move me so much more than rooms filled up with friends.

Ugh, don’t get me started on friends… or the lack of, lately.

Heart-strutter needs a new layout. There isn’t enough time in the day. Asdf!! Let me find some inspiration and then I’ll get back to this new layout business. *sigh*

Morbid diathesis.

For you, my heart, ripped from my chest. Eviscerated, I am. And if I could, I would plunge my fingers through my chest and rip out my heart and give it to you. A pulpy mass of morbid diathesis. In addition to my heart, there are some small organs that I want to give you: glands… sweetbreads… a variety of meats. I’m offering these gifts. Rare gifts. I know that they don’t amount to much in the face of what you’ve given me. I’ve heard these organs can’t survive outside the body for more than a few hours. But I’ll try to get there as soon as I can. Whatever happens, it will be on me. On my heart.