There comes an awkward moment when you realize how silly and naive you really were all along. And I don’t know if I want to cry about it or laugh at myself for what it’s worth. I’d take back every word if I could.

On a different note, everyone in my family is *always* busy every weekend. Or if you’re my mom, you just plain out don’t want to visit me. I called her this morning at 8am after a very strange panicky dream and asked if she wanted to come over this weekend. Her excuse is that she doesn’t like the drive over here. The one and only time she “visited” me she was dropping something off for me and stayed for about 45 minutes. The entire time she complained and complained, and then finally said, “I don’t really want to stay. I’m leaving now.” And it makes me sad to continually ask her/beg her to come over or sleep over.

It’s like that whole thing of mine… I hate convincing people to do anything. I shouldn’t have to because people should do what they want. But then that means that my mother doesn’t want to visit me. And the more attempts I get to mark off every time I ask her the more discouraging it is and the more depressed I get. Should I even have to ask? Now I know I shouldn’t compare but Sandy has someone coming over every. single. weekend. be it family or friends. *sigh*

Me: Hey! Good morning.
Mom: Good morning.
Me: Do you work this weekend?
Mom: …No. Why?
Me: Want to come over and visit me?
Mom: … I hate the drive! I almost die every time. (She gets sleepy in traffic)
Me: Ok. Bye.
Mom: Okay, don’t hang up so rudely! You always do that.
Me: Okay. Have a good weekend. Talk to you later. Bye.
Mom: Bye. I love you.
Me: Ok. *hangs up*

Funny. I hang up that way because if I don’t she’ll beat me to it. What are you supposed to say when your mom rejects you?

It’s definitely me. All me. I remember throwing those ridiculous temper tantrums when I was younger and I do wish i could take all that back. Maybe my relationship with my mother wouldn’t be so bad now if it weren’t for me. Days/nights like this I regret being born.

What good am I to anyone?

A little more depression. Spending time with boardies today helped a little.

Restrictions by Merrit Malloy:

[S]he thinks ‘being strong’
is holding back
and hiding our feelings
when ‘being strong’ has always been
letting go and allowing our feelings
to be
felt
Internal bleeding is
always more
dangerous
…Even joy becomes a burden
when you can’t
laugh

Kayleigh let me read a book of poetry by Merrit Malloy she owns today while we were chillin’ at Anisqo’yo park. It was nice just spending the afternoon with boardies. *yawns* Technically we were “working” - we had an event: Open Mic, but it was mostly just us hanging around while some people sang, read poetry, played instruments, etc.

Mm, I have “work” again at 9… Security for the Magic Lantern movie. I did it yesterday night as well and after everyone was inside I got to watch the movie. Lulz. Such a chill job. ASPB rox my sox. (:

My mom came by earlier to drop off some stuff for me. Ugh, she basically came for an hour, transferred as much negative energy as possible and left. UGHHHH. That woman kills me. All she does is complain and talk shit about as many people as possible. Seriously. WTF.

@violetmae just twittered about some site Now Do This. Talk about super simple and cute!! I love it~

I constantly like to reason things emotionally. Badddd. It’s been a while since I last wrote in my moleskine. That’s what I should do when I get back from work at midnight. Hmhmhm.

Lately I just barely even have time to eat… and yeah my jeans were a little bit looser but I didn’t really pay much attention… but then a few days ago I put on a pair of jeans that are a size smaller and uh they fit. Yey? Haha… not exactly planned weight loss but whatever. I dun care. xD;

It’s been getting harder and harder to keep talking with Elizabeth. I call her during the little free time I have or in the minutes between when I’m walking to class. =\ This weekend I’ll definitely try to call her … Ack and last night when I got back from work and I was doing homework Eric wanted to call me but I had to be all, “Nuuuuh, hwwww!” and I feel kinda bad (even if we mostly always talk about the same subject and he annoys me most days).

Blame it on bad luck and shake responsibility.
Do you ever wake up to realize your life is meaningless?

Tralalala. Hey love, I miss you<3

Yesterday I got back home sometime after 8pm. It was definitely a rough start coming back. About an hour after being back my mom told me she had gotten my purple Sony Ericsson and started using it because her cellphone stopped working. Naturally I was slightly upset (though I really shouldn’t have been), and told her that she could have at least asked. Uh… well she got VERY ANGRY and threw my ex-cell on the granite countertop making the back and the battery go flying elsewhere.

My mother then exclaimed that if she can’t have a phone neither could I. She got the house phone, called AT&T and canceled my phone. Yeah, I got kinda pissed but decided there was really no point getting mad. (Well I’ve been a little too apathetic to get mad anyway.) I didn’t really make too big a deal about it.

Knowing that I would get kind of depressed I went straight to bed at 9pm.

Today I went on as planned and went to an AT&T store to get my own cell phone plan for my iPhone. Yey! Another step towards financial independence. It was funny because in the car I told my friends that the first question they were going to ask me was, “Are you over 18?” Lmao, and sure enough that was exactly the first question they asked. The guy said I don’t look anywhere near 18, but yo! I’m 19.

Then Elizabeth, Vy, Jean, and I hung out. So much fun!!! (: Later in the night we watched So You Think You Can Dance!!! AHHH so exciting! Love this show~

Mm, so I just got back home and my mom and I have made up. After she got mad she got sad that I got mad that she borrowed my phone (yeah…). Anyway, she bought me blackberries and strawberries and mangoes!! (: All is good. And I feel good, too, that I’m more financially independent.

Everything is going to be okay.