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The Now.

If I don’t write this now I won’t write this at all.

Right now I’ve just gotten home and already switched into an oversized t-shirt to take a nap in. It’s not that I’m completely weary because all I’ve done today is sit at my desk and work work work. But I feel sort of lethargic. My energy levels are low and I can feel my eyelids weighing heavily on me.

I also feel this heavy weight once again stemming from conflicting things.

I haven’t been eating as much lately so I’m not overly preoccupied with requiring exercise… but at the same time I won’t tone/feel as good if I go without.

Then you know, starting some new Coursera course as per usual… and there’s that episode of Silicon Valley from last night I want to watch.

But those things are out of the question. It’s either nap or exercise. Why not both? At 6 I have to be in Long Beach for our book club meeting. But I also really feel like washing my hair since I washed my hair YESTERDAY morning. And then yannoe my hair starts to look sort of separated and it has less body and then I just don’t feel as on point. So I have three hours to recharge my energy levels and get ready to go out and expend that energy.

And I want to get there a little early (though I know that’s a major stretch) just so I can get a little personal reading done before our meeting… but I cannot conceivably squeeze energy out of a short-lived nap.

It’s work. It’s draining me. It’s depressing me. But I don’t complain anymore. It’s just… it’s work. It’s whatever. I get no fulfillment out of it. I always dreamt of a life in which I would live & breathe for the fulfillment from a career. This just isn’t the right time to question my career path. Money is a cruel necessity. So I work. Without question. Without any fuss. Just work. Make the mountains of paperwork disappear.

But I think it’s taking its toll on me.

In five minutes it will be 3pm. And by then I have to prepare to close my eyes and force myself to nap. Though sleep comes majorly easy to me. I appreciate that at least.

Oh! And Raquel is making a flash trip into town tomorrow from Fresno. We have a lunch date for Indian food. We both lovelove it. So again tomorrow I may go without exercise.

But Wednesday! I have a jogging date with Elizabeth. I’m hoping she’ll have enough energy to pushhhhhh. Also I hope it’s not too fucking hot on Wednesday.

On Friday I have a concert with my brother in Pomona.

When did I start being so short on time? Fuck. It’s all I ever write about. And I mean, I do a lot. But I could be doing a lot more. Subtle difference.

This past weekend I watched Maleficent at El Capitan theater. Fantastic movie. Also hung out with book club last night, too, for Game of Thrones and a board game. We’re board game addicts these days. It keeps me outta trbl I think. Lmao.

Okok. 3 on the dot. NAP TIME.

FNW.

In Chungking Express, Wong focuses on a theme recurrent in much of his work: urban alienation. He paints Hong Kong as a claustrophobic cage in which people pace like trapped animals. People in the film have such dissolute and pointless lives that they cannot connect emotionally with others. Wong’s unflinching vision lends his work a bleak, nervy atmosphere of unfulfilled longing, loneliness, desperation, and even nostalgia.

– Flambard-Weisbart, Veronique. “Post-Genre Cinemas and Post-Colonial Attitude: Hong Kong Meets Paris.” Science Fiction and the Prediction of the Future: Essays on Foresight and Fallacy. McFarland, 2011. 193. Google Book Search. Web. 23 May 2014.

Image Credits: The No-Name Movie Blog

“Anna” in Ieri Oggi Domani

(Renzo and Anna have just switched seats. Renzo is driving now though he owns a Fiat 600 and expresses hesitation driving Anna’s Rolls Royce. He seems unsure of the buttons and dials of the car but he is light-hearted about it.)

Renzo: A little music?

Anna nods.

Anna: Well, Renzo?

Renzo: Anna, I like you a lot.

Anna: But you don’t think I’m sincere, do you?

Renzo: I don’t know. …I don’t know.

Anna: Do you like traveling? (Renzo nods. Anna continues speaking rapidly.) I do, too. The minute I can, I go far away from everything. I’m so tired of my world, the people I¬†know.

Anna: Don’t you get it? I like you precisely because you’re different, unlike the robots I know, busy making money all day. You write, you’re intelligent.

I never think about money, Renzo. I swear I don’t.

Renzo: Because you have it.

Anna: What am I supposed to do, throw it out the window?

Renzo: Yes, throw it all away: money, cars, jewelry, those Cleopatra bracelets.

Anna: (Proudly.) I got these at the hardware store.

Renzo: Did you get this hunk of steel at the hardware store as well? But that’s not it. The fact is you have money in your veins.

Anna: In me there’s only emptiness, a profound emptiness.

(He touches her cheek softly. She leans in closer and rests her head on his shoulder. But only for a moment.)

Anna: You like me. I can tell.

Renzo: Anna, if you hadn’t called me this morning, who would you have called?

Anna: Nobody. Nobody. I’m alone.

Renzo: With all the people you know?

Anna: With all the people I know.

(He touches her cheek again. This time she pulls his hand away and joins her hand with his.)

Anna: I can’t tell which are your fingers and which are mine. This is so lovely, Renzo. Unbelievable.

Renzo: I- (He is cut off. His answer is inconsequential.)

Anna: (With sudden urgency.) Renzo, help me. Let’s go far away. To the Sun. To Rome. To Naples.

Renzo: Yes, let’s go.

– – – – –

What happens next is just the kicker. I won’t ruin it… but it’s very funny how people perceive their life, how others see that life, and how that life is in reality. Sophia Loren shows just such beautiful range in Ieri Oggi Domani, which I watched yesterday. The second part, “Anna” of course struck me as just beautifully perfect.

It seems Anna is so completely unhappy with a perfectly happy life. The everyday vapidity of her life she understands as emptiness. What’s funny is that her materialism makes her void of substance (maybe) but also that nothing is capable of making her happy and so she cannot fill the internal longing with anything whatsoever.

And Renzo, her lover? How quickly in the dust Anna leaves him…

Nothing is ever enough.

Let the Darkness Swallow You Whole

I’m currently sitting in the dark in the living room. It gets dark really early these days. And it sounds like I’m setting the mood for some deep and dark introspective entry, but in reality I’m pretty damn happy! (: That’s totally strange for this time of year, but I’m NOT complaining.

This quarter has felt like a first-quarter-in-college for some reason. That’s not necessarily bad… but all the mental maturity I should have done during my first quarter last year I did this year. But all in baby steps! This quarter I actually studied hardcore for finals and tried my best (somewhat hahaha… I will sometimes procrastinate!). And I think I’m going to get an A in Philosophy of Mind. Based on my grades for the previous 2 assignments (of 3 essays each) all I needed on the final was an 82 to maintain my A. We had to write FOUR essays for the final, which took me two hours and 10 pages. Lmao… shit was intense. I think my brain died a little bit toward the end and my hand was about to fall off.

What really made me super happy was that the TA walked out when I finished my final and was setting it on the table, which at the time was disappointing because I wanted to be all like, “Thanks!! Bye now” sort of thing. But anyway, he stepped out so he could talk to me! He addressed me by name and told me that I was one of the few people to get consistent As in the class and that I did really well. Not gonna lie, I was a little flustered and didn’t know what to say hahaha so I just said, “Well, I love philosophy…” Hahaha… afterward as I was walking away I was totez liek, “damnn that was dumb.” Haha

So last night Instead of studying for Health Psych some more I was too elated and joined Hailey and David to go watch MILK. The movie is about Harvey Milk, the first openly gay man to be elected to public office in California. I just have to say the movie was really empowering not just for the progress a single man was able to garner for the gay movement but just as a motivation to always have ideals to strive for because it IS in your power to grasp them.

Note to self: My theory of replacement is dead-on. NUUUUH. Already I think there is a replacement but I’m a bit more like whatever this time. Hahaha. xD And I’m SO over it. Like forreal. YAY!

I cannot wait until WordPress releases WordPress 2.7. I can’t risk even downloading Release Candiate 1 because all my entries on here are super amazingly important to me. The new layout in the Admin looks so much cleaner and nicer that I can’t wait to write my entries with it!!

Ooh… it’s been a while since I listened to the Repo! The Genetic Opera soundtrack so that’s what I’m doing now. I reallllly want to buy the DVD but it isn’t out until January 20th! And already I bought “In The Mood For Love” and “2046” haha…

OY… speaking of shopping I busted a mission last night. After my Phil of Mind final I didn’t really change into anything warmer when we went out to the movies and I was wearing my thin pink zip-up hoodie. And I was shiiivering so before the movie started we went to American Eagle and I told myself I was looking for a black jacket. Immediately I found two… one with faux fur and a more casual one. xD And… I bought them. -$110 from my account (faux fur jacket was $80 but!!! the second hoodie was 50% off so it was only $20 instead of $40). *dies* Hahaha…. I think in like less than 2 weeks I spent about ~$400 of my own money on clothes. -_-; Hahaha… oops?

I can tell how many days I haven’t used the computer by looking at my RSS feeds. ): There’s a lot to catch up on! BLARGH. asdfkjsadf That’s okayyyy winter break is nearing!!!!!!

Non-sensical happiness!

I love my friends! I love my family! I love myself, too! (: