Backdated: Social Intercourse

Is a dangerous thing. And I think that’s the only thing I will say regarding it.

Frankly, I am not in the least astounded by my lack of emotion (besides extreme annoyance). I have always thought, and said on my blog, too, for that matter, that emotions are the epitome of weakness. Such things are not tolerated by me… They repulse me. Emotions bring about an extreme discomfort in me; they often have. Okay so it’s wrong of me to say ‘always’ because that simply isn’t true. At some point in my small existence I have felt things, emotions, passions, and to an extent I still do. But somewhere along the way (you can’t ask me to pinpoint when — I simply wouldn’t know) I stopped being capable of the capacity to feel.

It’s easy to imagine hypothetical situations. I’m okay with that. But in a real situation that changes… A feeling of nausea takes over me.

Yeah, I know it ain’t normal :p Whatever! My favorite class is next yaaaay! Phil o’ Mind! After: Stats.

Oh, I had so much fun with Carina and Anna this weekend!! (: Hehe… I should make an effort to hang out with them more since Sandy, Hailey, and David are so caught up in their drinking lifestyle. Parties start Thursdays and from there they just don’t stop. Their bottles are starting to pile up and since they keep them to “show off” … They better start finding space because for now they are running out of counter space. Lalalala whatevz.

Entry from the 26th – On The Train

Is there a story to tell? For so long E.L. was part of my life. It just occurred to me that I brought him up that one time when I was listening to some of the music he recommended to me. And I brought it up to M.T. and he said it didn’t seem like something I would listen to, which is really dead on.

Oh, I’m feeling rather reminiscent. It’s this novel. Not good, really. Not at all. And I’m just thinking way too much.

I feel strangely adultish with this purse and this attire and the way I’m sitting. Everything about it yells ‘grown person’ … I hate to use the word woman. There’s something about the connotations/expections of the word that keep me from seeing myself as one. My lips are trembling, and tears are forming in my eyes. Why does this happen to me always and only in public? There’s a sadder quality about being out and about than in the comforts of your home that makes those tears just so much more willing to fall.

It seems as though he’s trying to tell me he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore and I’m just not getting it. And I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or if it’s the truth. And I’m starting to dislike who I become when I’m with him and usually that’s the only reason I “like” anyone: because of who I become when I’m with them. A selfish reason, yes, but one nonetheless.

There is some sadness too deep to express even in words. I wish I showed my sadness through my eyes, and the whole world knew there is something underneath worth exploring. I want to change. I want to be someone else. A less helpless-looking version of myself.

I can’t believe my aunts asked me if I’m still taking my medication. My ‘behavior’ was pretty perfect this entire weekend and they thought I’m just “getting better” because of the pills. But I told them I haven’t been taking them for months, which is entirely true.

Right now I feel like walking in front of a moving bus, just to die. Why does my depression get this bad? What’s bothering me? Thoughts come a mile a minute and it makes sense for me to be depressed, but then the moment you ask me, I just don’t know. I don’t know at all.

I feel so lost.

1. trying to suggest things we can do so we can talk again. Fail.

2. people see me as some super serious super-goody-two shoes. mark. jonathan. that’s not who I am. I can be serious, but I can also be really silly and fun. It hurts to think people just don’t know me.