Wait Time

Shit! I haven’t blogged in a while. I am falling behind on the online life… argh! That’s never really happened before but I’m just taking a quick step back from the computer recently. No longer do I feel any urge to go on AIM and Windows Live Messenger. There really isn’t anyone to talk to on there that I don’t already talk to/see daily. So I just sort of don’t sign on. Also, on Aelyria I am about two months behind on posts (uhm oh wow…). Seriously, I even neglect my RSS feeds, and now my blog! AH. Hot mess, all right.

The days are seriously ZOOMING by. That’s actually kind of scary. I’m already in week 4 of winter quarter and there are only 11 weeks. In less than 6 months I’m going to be a third year at UC Santa Barbara. And in just a littttle over a month I’m going to be 20. Everything’s coming at me way too fast! Mind you, I’ve been waiting forever to be done with college, waiting forever to get into my 20s (which I’m actually really excited about!!!)… but now time seems to be coming at me faster.

[Philosophical Side note: I personally believe time’s arrows travel <– this way and not the commonly held view that they travel –> like that. UHM… FUCK I have a Philosophy of Time and Space class and it’s totally tripping me out…]

You know, this domain hasn’t even had a layout change in a few months? And my other domain has never had a layout. Things are a hot busy mess online. And whereas before I didn’t care for facebook I’m on it a few times a week now as opposed to a few times a month. AH! Well it’s only natural since all my friends are on Facebook. *shrugs* Whatever.

Lately I hang out with my friends so much more. I only have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays but they are so insanely busy it’s ridiculous! On Tuesdays I go seven hours straight without a break! Not even time to eat… ): By the time I’m done for the day on Tuesdays I just want to shoot myself and be done with it. Wednesday seems to disappear all the time with me sleeping in and doing all the homework/reading for class due Thursday. The four-day weekends are long… but they also just disappear and slip away.

People do say time moves faster as you get older. Why? Oh wait… DNW to think atm! On Friday afternoon I was even looking online at philosophy lectures from other universities. Geez. As if my brain didn’t hurt ENOUGH during the week. Honestly, if you’re trying to figure out how/why everything material only exists in the mind (view called Idealism by Berkeley)… it just HURTS. Professor Holden even lets us out 15 minutes early because it’s way too much to take in and grasp…! The class is 75 minutes and by the hour mark I feel my brain wanting to explode. But uh doesn’t stop there… I have to go to Time/Space next. Lol… never thought I’d experience brain pain, but I am proven wrong.

Another reason I suspect time is moving faster for me is because my thoughts lately, especially at night, have been racing NONSTOP. At one point I was trying to say four things at the same time and my roommate Rony just said, “What? Okay you’re saying too many things at the same time.” Then I realized I was cleaning at night, getting all OCD, shopping TOO much, and talking/thinking too fast. Ugh, so that’s why I’ve been too happy and yet still extra annoyed lately… (Hypomania????) But I swear it wasn’t always that. I’m pretty sure I was symptom-free for a good month or two. *Sigh* Can’t escape it! [I’m talking about my bipolar diagnosis]


Oh, I’ve been learning how to cook (somewhat)! Easy things, anyway. Skylar taught me how to make miso soup. Sandy taught me to make pupusas. And I learned how to make udon and (for the very first time) tried making pancakes!! (: It’s actually really fun to cook. Eating my own food is another matter, though. Once I know the process something went through to get cooked I don’t really feel like eating it anymore. Something about knowing the ingredients and just the process itself puts me off. =\ Not sure… I’ll try to get over it.

OH. Oh. Oh wow. Ugh… I’ve been getting all offended lately. GAH. Whatever. Over it. Been over it. I need to get over this shit like NOW. (UGH DAMNIT! When I use the word “now” it makes me think of a “moving now” and … my Time/Space class is messing with me!)

OKKKKK. Updation over. I haven’t written in my moleskine for a WHILE now. I should look into using it again because it is so fabulous. (:

En Verdad?

Disclaimer: I don’t pretend to know where the accents go, and I’m not even going to try. And my spelling could be waaaay off, but hell it’s my blog and III know what I’m saying. (:

Nunca pense que iva decir esto pero estrano los dias de high-school. Ase un momento estava viendo unas fotos de dos amigos… bueno, no hablavamos todos los dias pero ellos etavan en mis clases… y pues… Pienso que mis dias en high-school se fueron a perder. ): Definitivamente yo podria ser differente esos dias, y en verdad si deviria por estava muy deprimida. Ahora esos dias an pasado y no ay nada que se puede acer. Porque tenia que ser asi? *sigh*

No importa. Tengo que vivir ahora sin limites.

DAMNN. Shit sounds so cheesy in Spanish. Lmao. Even more so than English… And for that reason I stop the Spanish now. And wth. My ~Japanese~ final is tomorrow. Better start thinking in my third language, fo’ sho status.

Wow… I feel so… inspired atm. Lol… ^^; I feel like doing some life-altering changes and shiz like that… XD Ah funnnnnyyyyyy. (:

I love speaking in Spanish. 😀 Lmao… Gloria said I sound like a rich-girl in Spanish. -_-; Ooookay my Spanish is real proper ok? It’s not the first time people have told me this… but whatever!!!! Love my Spanish, aites? ^_^;

Oh heyyy Sandy made carne asada tacos for me, Gloria, and herself. Yeeeahhh. So delicious~ 😀

STUDY TIMEEEE! Push depression and anxiety away. Seriously.

Doing The Day Differently

Yo. I’m done with my homework before 12?! Not even I can believe it. Crazy stuff. Though I did start at 9:30-ish… as I was watching SYTYCD. And then I made food at like 10:40-ish so that required another break… but anyway! I’m doneeee…

Oh, wow. And I took something like a 5 hour nap, too… I decided early on in the day that no matter what I would get ~some~ rest. Well… the day started out all sunny or whatever and that’s when I fell asleep. I dreamt about having lunch with Peters-san, and Massey-san… and we were memorizing kanji (ugh awful school-related dream right?)… and when I woke up the sky looked pale blue almost like morning and I TOTALLY PANICKED and thought for a second it was morning already and I hadn’t done my hw or studied or worse yet, was late for class. The nap was pretty long so when I awoke I didn’t even remember heading to bed or how/why I was in bed to begin with… and yeah, it was a scary moment in my day. Lmao.

By this time it was 7-something… and I naturally got on Navii (name of my PC)… but found myself too quickly overwhelmed by all the shit I could ~possibly be doing online… and then got bored right away. SOOO then I looked at the time and it was time for SYTYCD.

DUDE. WOAH. Most epic finale uhm, ever?! Mary Murphy danced. Nigel Lythgoe danced!!!! Like srsly?! o_o; It was cuhrazzyyy stuff. Just blew me away. People from EVERY SINGLE SEASON were there and they all danced together… it was so magical!! <3 The judges’ favorite routines were danced again… some of theee best ones, too!! Ah, and The Jonas’ Brothers played. Two poppers battled. And finally… it came down to Courtney, Katee, Joshua, and Twitch. Courtney was the first to be told she didn’t win. Then Katee didn’t win… BUT! they surprised her, and all of us by saying since she was the top female dancer she, too, would win $50k. And then… JOSHUA WON. Yeeeeeah boi. He’s beyond amazing. Seriously, so good. Joshua has so much potential, too. I think Court, Katee, and Josh were all 19… so fuckin’ young. And accomplishedddd. Damn.

Anyway, now that my homework IS done I still have to keep practicing my kanji. Kanji quiz tomorrow. The kanji are getting exponentially harder, some with 13 strokes. *cries* And we learn like 3 new grammar rules a day. It’s getting pretty intense. =\ Hanging in there, though.

Ja, ashita!

Oh yeah… what show do I watch now? ):

ANDDD… I love Twitter. I really do.

In The Morning Sun

Morning. New day. Happy Easter!

I basically just got off the phone with Rob. You figure, talk to someone that will totally understand right? Well, yes… except I forgot our situations have one crucial difference! And not kidding when I say crucial difference. So instead of getting some kind of support, he’s trying to convince me of the opposite of what I currently believe. What’s worse is I want to believe him, and I easily could, but I’d be retarded to do that. Fo’ sho.

After that conversation I called Rona ‘cus I told her I would call her after I got back from dinner. I’m very tired and sleepy right now, but I tried to get a lot said rather quickly so not sure if I even made any sense… but in the end she threw in that she agrees more with “the original idea,” not Rob’s.

And now I am terribly confused.

The bad thing about talking to someone that knows you extremely well and that you know equally well is that you already know what they’re going to say… So I can’t call Elizabeth. It’d be like listening to an “I told you so,” without those exact words.

I just emailed Sakuragi-sensei, expressing concerns about Japanese… it’s like, yes… I really do want to take it and yes, I really do want to keep learning, but I know I shouldn’t. How can I be destructive and productive all at once?!

I didn’t take my pillz today… tomorrow will decide what I do. After about two days of no Lamictal and I probably have to start over again, and since I’m on spring break that’s not until I see my psychiatrist… when I go back to school.

Oh, the timing… it really sucks. As it is I can’t contain my anger around my mother. Today I literally had to walk the fuck away because I couldn’t stand her anymore. I wanted to stab her, and I twittered, “I want to punch that bitch in the face.” This week will not end well. I cannot spend this much time with my mother. We cannot be in each others’ presence for more than a day. And then there’s all the stress from schoooool… Lmao, yessss… perfect time to make my life worse.

Welcome back, bi-polar. ):

Now playing: Circa Survive – Your Friends Are Gone
via FoxyTunes