Tagtime

Travel Hymn.

Circa Survive’s “Travel Hymn”

It came across like you were mad
Holding in your breath with everything you had
Until your face began to turn red
“This is why I turn and walk away from everything”
I need to feel it closer now.
“This is why I turn and walk away from everything”
I never thought it’d be like this

Between the seal a church is revealed.
And I would rather be…

Lonely along the way
Something set us off into the wrong direction
but within this particular space,
Time goes to waste.
Time goes to waste…
Time goes to waste…
Time goes…

It came across like you were mad,
Holding in your breath with everything you had…
Until your face began to turn red.

Between the seal a church is revealed
And I would rather be…

Lonely along the way
Something set us off into the wrong direction
but within this particular space…

Time starts to slow down
and all of these patterns never change.
So slow down,
’cause nobody looks at life the same.
And no one was like this ’til you came along
and reset our dials all wrong.

Lonely along the way
Something set us off into the wrong direction
but within this particular space,
Time goes to waste.

Lonely along the way
Something set us off into the wrong direction
but within this particular space,
Time goes to waste.

The Now.

If I don’t write this now I won’t write this at all.

Right now I’ve just gotten home and already switched into an oversized t-shirt to take a nap in. It’s not that I’m completely weary because all I’ve done today is sit at my desk and work work work. But I feel sort of lethargic. My energy levels are low and I can feel my eyelids weighing heavily on me.

I also feel this heavy weight once again stemming from conflicting things.

I haven’t been eating as much lately so I’m not overly preoccupied with requiring exercise… but at the same time I won’t tone/feel as good if I go without.

Then you know, starting some new Coursera course as per usual… and there’s that episode of Silicon Valley from last night I want to watch.

But those things are out of the question. It’s either nap or exercise. Why not both? At 6 I have to be in Long Beach for our book club meeting. But I also really feel like washing my hair since I washed my hair YESTERDAY morning. And then yannoe my hair starts to look sort of separated and it has less body and then I just don’t feel as on point. So I have three hours to recharge my energy levels and get ready to go out and expend that energy.

And I want to get there a little early (though I know that’s a major stretch) just so I can get a little personal reading done before our meeting… but I cannot conceivably squeeze energy out of a short-lived nap.

It’s work. It’s draining me. It’s depressing me. But I don’t complain anymore. It’s just… it’s work. It’s whatever. I get no fulfillment out of it. I always dreamt of a life in which I would live & breathe for the fulfillment from a career. This just isn’t the right time to question my career path. Money is a cruel necessity. So I work. Without question. Without any fuss. Just work. Make the mountains of paperwork disappear.

But I think it’s taking its toll on me.

In five minutes it will be 3pm. And by then I have to prepare to close my eyes and force myself to nap. Though sleep comes majorly easy to me. I appreciate that at least.

Oh! And Raquel is making a flash trip into town tomorrow from Fresno. We have a lunch date for Indian food. We both lovelove it. So again tomorrow I may go without exercise.

But Wednesday! I have a jogging date with Elizabeth. I’m hoping she’ll have enough energy to pushhhhhh. Also I hope it’s not too fucking hot on Wednesday.

On Friday I have a concert with my brother in Pomona.

When did I start being so short on time? Fuck. It’s all I ever write about. And I mean, I do a lot. But I could be doing a lot more. Subtle difference.

This past weekend I watched Maleficent at El Capitan theater. Fantastic movie. Also hung out with book club last night, too, for Game of Thrones and a board game. We’re board game addicts these days. It keeps me outta trbl I think. Lmao.

Okok. 3 on the dot. NAP TIME.

Wait Time

Shit! I haven’t blogged in a while. I am falling behind on the online life… argh! That’s never really happened before but I’m just taking a quick step back from the computer recently. No longer do I feel any urge to go on AIM and Windows Live Messenger. There really isn’t anyone to talk to on there that I don’t already talk to/see daily. So I just sort of don’t sign on. Also, on Aelyria I am about two months behind on posts (uhm oh wow…). Seriously, I even neglect my RSS feeds, and now my blog! AH. Hot mess, all right.

The days are seriously ZOOMING by. That’s actually kind of scary. I’m already in week 4 of winter quarter and there are only 11 weeks. In less than 6 months I’m going to be a third year at UC Santa Barbara. And in just a littttle over a month I’m going to be 20. Everything’s coming at me way too fast! Mind you, I’ve been waiting forever to be done with college, waiting forever to get into my 20s (which I’m actually really excited about!!!)… but now time seems to be coming at me faster.

[Philosophical Side note: I personally believe time’s arrows travel <– this way and not the commonly held view that they travel –> like that. UHM… FUCK I have a Philosophy of Time and Space class and it’s totally tripping me out…]

You know, this domain hasn’t even had a layout change in a few months? And my other domain has never had a layout. Things are a hot busy mess online. And whereas before I didn’t care for facebook I’m on it a few times a week now as opposed to a few times a month. AH! Well it’s only natural since all my friends are on Facebook. *shrugs* Whatever.

Lately I hang out with my friends so much more. I only have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays but they are so insanely busy it’s ridiculous! On Tuesdays I go seven hours straight without a break! Not even time to eat… ): By the time I’m done for the day on Tuesdays I just want to shoot myself and be done with it. Wednesday seems to disappear all the time with me sleeping in and doing all the homework/reading for class due Thursday. The four-day weekends are long… but they also just disappear and slip away.

People do say time moves faster as you get older. Why? Oh wait… DNW to think atm! On Friday afternoon I was even looking online at philosophy lectures from other universities. Geez. As if my brain didn’t hurt ENOUGH during the week. Honestly, if you’re trying to figure out how/why everything material only exists in the mind (view called Idealism by Berkeley)… it just HURTS. Professor Holden even lets us out 15 minutes early because it’s way too much to take in and grasp…! The class is 75 minutes and by the hour mark I feel my brain wanting to explode. But uh doesn’t stop there… I have to go to Time/Space next. Lol… never thought I’d experience brain pain, but I am proven wrong.

Another reason I suspect time is moving faster for me is because my thoughts lately, especially at night, have been racing NONSTOP. At one point I was trying to say four things at the same time and my roommate Rony just said, “What? Okay you’re saying too many things at the same time.” Then I realized I was cleaning at night, getting all OCD, shopping TOO much, and talking/thinking too fast. Ugh, so that’s why I’ve been too happy and yet still extra annoyed lately… (Hypomania????) But I swear it wasn’t always that. I’m pretty sure I was symptom-free for a good month or two. *Sigh* Can’t escape it! [I’m talking about my bipolar diagnosis]

Anyway.

Oh, I’ve been learning how to cook (somewhat)! Easy things, anyway. Skylar taught me how to make miso soup. Sandy taught me to make pupusas. And I learned how to make udon and (for the very first time) tried making pancakes!! (: It’s actually really fun to cook. Eating my own food is another matter, though. Once I know the process something went through to get cooked I don’t really feel like eating it anymore. Something about knowing the ingredients and just the process itself puts me off. =\ Not sure… I’ll try to get over it.

OH. Oh. Oh wow. Ugh… I’ve been getting all offended lately. GAH. Whatever. Over it. Been over it. I need to get over this shit like NOW. (UGH DAMNIT! When I use the word “now” it makes me think of a “moving now” and … my Time/Space class is messing with me!)

OKKKKK. Updation over. I haven’t written in my moleskine for a WHILE now. I should look into using it again because it is so fabulous. (: