Jan
06

The New Hampshire Debate

I watched that last night in the cabin after the others had gone to sleep. Facebook was being advertised as a means of voicing opinions about the debates. So, I got on Facebook and voted in some polls and wrote some messages… and then I got personally attacked for not liking Obama. Lolol. I basically said he’s the worst speaker in the bunch (he really is…) and then some guy said:

haha awful speaker? thats why his DNC address is one of the greatest speeches in recent political history. Blind attacks that have no substance behind them other then a preference for another candidate are worthless. If you feel He is a horrible speaker then show us an example. If you feel someone else is better then tell me who and why you feel that way.
I am hoping they taught you how to form an analytical argument at UCSB?

Lmao, personal attacks<3 It’s really funny. I’m not going to reply because that was yesterday’s thing. It’s a new day. ): It’d look like I was replying too late. Hahah…

Well, we just came from a walk in the snow. One long block to a convenient store and then one long block back… Our attire was completely covered in snow and those of us with bangs suddenly had white hair. XD; It was awesome.

Now, Alba is making pancakes and eggs or somethin’… I dunno. It’s been a wonderful day today! Meme woke me up sometime after 7am to tell me it was snowing and it’d be a great time to take photos. And then I see Uncle George come into my bedroom saying he already took photos! Hah, when we were walkie talkie-ing I told him it’d be a competition since we both have the DSLRs. ^_^; He was rubbing it in that he already took a lot, but whatever. I got dressed and took some really nice photos!

Argh, they’re talking about movies on the news… more movies have come out this weekend. I can’t believe my list of movies to watch is getting bigger and bigger. >_>; Whyy?

Okay, pancakes are ready!! Gonna eat now.

Oh em gee… I might get back to UCSB really late tonight. I’m going to be so tired tomorrow. Ah, such is life.

Dec
24

Hypaethral

I like that word. Open to the sky.

I haven’t really had any thoughts to write about, so I haven’t been blogging. It’s tempting to end the entry here considering I am thoughtless. This isn’t apathy, or depression, or hypomania. This is content, maybe.

Happy holidays.

I was excited a bit earlier to open gifts at midnight, but now I’m … okay, so maybe this is not contentedness. It’s a flatline of emotion, but I still care… It’s exhausting to show emotion sometimes.

To know you is to hate you♄
So loving you must be like suicide
Well I don’t mind if you don’t mind

Hah, Green Day

Okok I WILL make a layout. RIGHT NOW. I must get something done!! The sky’s the limit.

Dec
20

Transparent

Aites, I guess a lot has happened, but I don’t always like writing about what I’ve been up to because it seems such a “normal” and boring topic. And, I would use bulletin points, but that’s just being lazy.

I slept over at Rona’s on Tuesday night. I ate some weird vegetarian foods… and for that reason I’m never eating her food again! Gr-face! Uh… kidding, mostly. It was superfun and etc. [Wow, I'm so not being descriptive] I got back home late-ish on Wednesday afternoon, because Rona slept in until like almost 1… I don’t know, she even went to bed before I did! lmao. People and their sleep. I don’t understand sometimes.

My party shuffle is kinda weird… but I think that’s due largely to the fact that my newly-transferred music has little to no ratings yet. In time. I wish, I wish, I wish. (Listening to Hilary Duff, atm) I wish that I could be like the way I was before. I wish that you could make my world feel better. Oh em gee, I suddenly like this song more than before! I had just never bothered listening to the lyrics.

Recently I have decided to stop saying, “that’s intense” because my little brother made fun of me for talking differently these days. ): It’s true, though. I talk in a strange rhythm now, and I don’t like it. I trust my brother’s better judgment and I appreciate his perspective. If I can’t trust him, who can I trust, ey? I don’t know, but the Santa Barbara crowd love the phrases David and I use… and then they start using it, too. Kinda freaky. Anyway, I’m resolving to speak like a normal human being again (minus the phrases my brother and I use…) :]

There are days I wish I could just isolate myself from the world. It’s way better than hurting the people around me when I’m easily annoyed and feeling particularly angry for no reason. And what’s ironic is that the people I care about the most are the ones that make me angriest. I say I don’t expect anything of anyone, but at the same time, there’s this hope that I’ll be proven wrong.

At around 10:30 this morning I purchased tickets to go see Linkin Park at the Staples Center on March 4th. Okay, well initially I was going to buy the ticket, but then it occurred to me to call my auntie Elle so it could be my birthday present (seeing as it’s so close to my bday and all that), and she transfered money into my account so I could buy them with her money. XD; Pretty coooool, and something I actually like!

Argh, I wanted practical things for Christmas this year, and I have a feeling I’m not going to get them. *emo tears* I wanted a new watch, but Meme isn’t telling me what she got, and I don’t particularly feel like looking through the huge pile of gifts by her tree to look at the size of my gift (to speculate and all that). Anyway, I don’t see any small boxes… emo. Alright, and my Mom asked me to email her a list of things I want for Christmas and I also think she completely disregarded it. My gift is rectangular and hella heavy. Wtf man! I asked for a cover for my macbook or pretty bag for my DSLR and lenses. Uh, yeah… I don’t think it’s either of those. I dunno what George or Elle got me, but I’m pretty sure it’s definitely not something practical. I gave George a CALL and couldn’t stress enough that I wanted something practical (like oh say gift card to places I already spend lots of money at… yannoe?!). Well, we’ll see.

*many hours later*

I just finished editing some photographs to put in frames. Horizon alignment, curves, levels, whitening teeth of people, selective color, unsharpen mask, hue/saturation. Geeeez. That took a while, but it was also fun to see what the photo looked like before and after. :]

Well, well. Should I continue I’ll just ramble on and on. So, the enddd.

Dec
18

I don’t care who reads this

But that’s in theory. Just thinking about it actually makes me really nervous. And randomly I’ll start to hyperventilate just thinking about the subject material. I gave this entry some thought while I was in the shower and I nearly couldn’t breathe just because sharing “pieces of me” is kinda idk scary as fuck (lol ashlee simpson).

Anyway, I wrote this yesterday, even though it feels like I wrote it before that. The days are so long sometimes. Enough stalling!

From my journal:

December 17, 2007

I’m haunted by memories. I’m sitting on the balcony to Meme’s apartment, and after having read for an hour under the comforting warm sun — well, I just can’t stop remembering. That first kiss with him, and all. Playing video games with him and my little brother. Dancing as we were leaving Disneyland, and my shyness. I keep remembering. His body pressed against mine. My lips tingled for days after he left [for the Navy]. I don’t miss him, though. I’m just remembering. I realize now, I didn’t love Eric. I was in love with the idea of love [for that many years, yes]. I miss Rob, though. But maybe that’s due largely to the fact that I had to re-read some of our conversations… I miss his words, his thoughts on life, just, him. He was amazing. We’d talk at all times of the day and I never grew tired of him. But this is the side of him you just don’t get unless you’re “with” him. God, I miss him. And it pains me now that he’s with her now. She’s perfection. She really is. I never really thought much of it when he was with what’s her name a while back, but this girl – she’s perfection. Five years and finally they’re together. [This is what I get for reading my LJ friends page at the worst time -- you get all this information that you shouldn't get] When Rob and I were together they would still talk, but I was never jealous. He was mine. We loved each other for a while. Or I loved him for a while, but I don’t think I knew it at the time. It’s amazing to me that it took me a whole goddamn year to react. A whole year of what, apathy? Did I just pretend to move on? Had I moved on, but now I’m thinking about it? I don’t understand the delayed reaction. What the fuck is wrong with me? The last year is a blur. I can’t even remember last Christmas, I really can’t. Did we do anything for Easter? 4th of July? I can’t remember any of it! I remember my 18th birthday, though. No one in my family cared [well, that's just how it felt]. They called me a week later… it was depressing. The one day that’s supposed to be dedicated to me, and no one cared. A week before, on my brother’s birthday, everyone came over. Okay, right, I’m not supposed to compare myself to him, I forget. But why not? Doesn’t he have it better off? Who cares, whatever. The sun sure feels really strong now and I’m wearing all black. Not the most comfortable of feelings, that’s for sure. I notice, there are no paragraph breaks, but that’s because I don’t know where my thoughts are leading me. I haven’t eaten in like two days. And you know when you’re boasting about it and you’re counting the hours that it’s on purpose. No, I’m not hungry. My stomach has yet to even grumble. Though I did wake up at 3am quite nauseous. That’s how I feel right now, too, but I’m also uncomfortably burning up. I had about six different dreams last night. Every time I woke up I wrote them down. I didn’t want to forget. One stands out, though. It was at my old house on 6th Ave. in LA. I don’t know if I felt threatened or if I was running away from something, but there was an animal. It was circular, like a ball almost. And it was a beige pink color. Maybe something like Jiggly Puff (lolol). Anyway, there was this big window on my old house. Two, in fact. They were tall. I guess I had to sort of do a pull up (which I can’t do in real life) so that the animal couldn’t get me… I was slipping, and it almost got me… but I used all my strength to pull up again and I was holding on to the top part of the window. When I turned to look back, the animal was holding on to the concrete of the porch. I jumped down, stared at the animal. There was no empathy in me and no mercy either. At that moment I realized the animal was a representation of me. But that didn’t matter. I let the animal fall, and it likely died. I walked away without any effort and then my dream was over. I let myself die. And I didn’t care. Nothing matters, after all. Yesterday all I did was sleep. Well, mostly naps. I told my aunts it was the sleeping pills, but that was a lie. But I got back to Meme’s at 6:30pm and I went to sleep. I awoke at 11, only because I didn’t have the phone (my cell, I mean), with me. Time is of the utmost importance to me. Time has to be within my grasp, so to speak. That’s why I was really sad when my watch broke. I can’t wait to get a new one. The sun is really starting to burn. I guess I’ll go back inside now, until Mary gets back home. I want to finish watching the movie I started and maybe watch my Netflix one. Or watch that first (while I wait…) Hm, rambling. Back inside I go. This was a comforting writing session.

This took up almost four pages in my journal, but I’m glad to get this onto my blog (for record keeping???) and yeah…

On a completely different note, even though I’m making this entry longer, Surpass Hosting sent me a Christmas card and a sticker. I fuhreaking x love my hosting company!!

I believe I’m going to sleep over at Rona’s tonight. That biotch better have something for us to do… lolol. Well, I don’t get bored that easily so whatevers is fine. Just talking is more than enough for me. Only day two of vay kay and already it feels like there’s nothing to do. Oh boyyy, but it will get busy by the end of this week, for sure status.

One last point I’d like to make to myself is that I need to stop getting so angry at small things. Because then I don’t point them out at people, but I’m just super bitchy in return, and they just haven’t realized why I’m upset. I gotta work on this by either talking to these people less, telling them wtf upset me, or just control ze bitchy-ness.

ABC, 123. Take your pick!

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